Q: Hey Scott,
I’ve been reading your column for the past few months and have to say, I’m impressed with your wisdom. Maybe you can put my own mind at ease.
Much like “The Rules Still Rule,” I’ve made many mistakes in the past year with a man I thought truly loved me. However, after living with me (and my children) for almost a full year, he decided to go back to his ex-wife and children, leaving evidence for me that I was simply a convenience, a cheap place to stay that was close to his job.
My heart was broken! I admit, I was very upset. So much so, that after our breakup I accessed his e-mail and wrote to his family and ex-wife to let them know just what happened with he and I.
So, now, two weeks after the whole thing, he tries to tell me that I’m one of the most vindictive people he’s ever met and he truly doesn’t believe I was fair to him. I returned everything he had in my home save what he couldn’t or didn’t want to take with him — literally two trucks worth of stuff.
I’ve never lied or said slanderous things. The letter I wrote to his family was completely truthful. It did help me to move on, just a little, but now I’m starting to wonder if I really was too vindictive.
Does a person who has been used and mistreated, lied to and hurt, have the right to be a little vindictive?
SCOTT: You’re asking me this?
OK, well since you asked, you did not have a right to be vindictive, at least not that vindictive. Believe me, I’d be the first to
tell you to take the low road (and that’s probably why you wrote to me), but it would’ve been better for you to set those two trucks of his stuff on fire than to hijack his e-mail and air his dirty laundry to others.
That’s a downright below-the-belt violation of privacy.
I know it felt right at the time but in retrospect, after you’ve come to your senses, you now see the error of your ways. You DO see the error of your ways, don’t you?
Just because you’re hurt doesn’t give you the right to retaliate no matter how enticing it might seem. Why? Because that gets you right where you are now: feeling guilty and seeking redemption, and that’s just ridiculous.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I haven’t the strength to go off on you too much more but look at it this way: how would you like it if he called your people and told them your personal intimate business? See? That’s wrong!
At this point, it’s all in the past. He’s your ex now and what’s done is done.
No need to apologize to him, because that gives you a reason to initiate contact with him, hence leading to more drama.
Move on.You’re hopefully wiser now to spot liars. You can really learn from this experience — how to deal with a breakup the right way — no matter how scorned you may become.