There are, of course, times when it is perfectly OK to toast your pals with a bawdy rhyme or to open a meal with a grace plucked from the summer-camp section of the depths of your memory. But at the holidays, we think it best to keep the urge to holler “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub” in check. Lest you be caught flat-footed at the head of the table, Denver poet Jake Adam York offers some basic tips for delivering a thoughtful toast or a blessing that pays tender tribute to the occasion and to your gathered friends and family.
Being called upon to utter a few well-chosen words to commem- orate a holiday gathering is enough to make anyone gulp. But Denver poet and professor Jake Adam York (below) – a man who is asked to give a toast or blessing at eight out of 10 dinners he attends – approaches the task like the honor it is. He scribbles out a few lines before he arrives and works out a few turns of phrase to memorialize the moment. In an ideal world, his toasts are appropriately sentimental but not too long. They may be a little funny, and they always capture something special about the event or the people who have gathered.
“A good toast notices something about the occasion that is unique,” York says. “You’re trying to make a memory in words.”
What’s easy today for York, can be tough for others, so he offers some tips for heralding the occasion with a bit of a twinkle.
Don’t be afraid to write out some lines, he says. If you aren’t feeling witty, grab some from a book. Go armed with several choices and pick the one that best fits the mood of the room. And try to memorize a key words or phrases, so you’re not stuck to your cue cards.
“Something that is memorized exactly can seem exceptionally wooden,” York says. “If you’re not witty in the moment, have a couple of turns of phrases you can trot out. No one but you will know if you’ve prepared well.”
A blessing always comes at the start of a meal, but a toast can be offered at any point. Timing is everything, though, so pay attention to the rhythm of the conversation before you break in with a huzzah!
“Unless you’re in a big room you shouldn’t have to bang on a glass with a knife,” York says. “You enter at the moment when the conversation hits a lull. You come in with a glass, raise it up so everyone understands exactly what is going on. Say ‘A toast!’ You’ll have silence right then, so fill it quickly.”
A blessing at the start of the meal can be sticky if you’re uncertain about who observes what religion and to what degree. Save the grace by looking for things you all have in common. “Both Christians and Jews have read the Old Testament, and so they have a common heritage,” York says. “It is easy to draw on that in a way that is not offensive to someone whose beliefs are different, but in a way that you are not betraying your own integrity and beliefs.”
If you can’t suss out the religious stripes of your party, it’s best to default to an all-purpose toast that pays tribute to the occasion and to the people gathered. “The toast is the perfect middle ground,” York says. “You are drawing people together with a single utterance.”
And don’t be afraid to take your turn with a glass raised or hands folded. Your toast or blessing is a gift to the people who invited you.
“If I am at the home of someone who has been kind enough to address me with food, the least I can do is thank them by providing them with my words,” York says.
Which words work?
It depends on whom you ask.
MUSICIAN HAZEL MILLER blesses folks here and there:
“God’s blessings to all my family and friends, present and absent; may you always do what is best for yourself and your loved ones. But be mindful that the best thing to do is often the hardest thing to do.”
Why it works: Miller’s table often includes single moms and single women who can’t get “home” for the holidays. Her toast pays mind to those who are away and sweetly acknowledges the challenges of living life well.
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WINE BOARD HONCHO DOUG CASKEY’S family made their own tradition:
Here’s to you, as good as you are.
And here’s to me, as bad as I am.
But as good as you are,
And as bad as I am,
I’m as good as you are,
Bad as I am.
Slainte!
Why it works: Caskey admits his isn’t homegrown, but his family has used the very old Scottish toast for so long that it’s become a tradition. (“Slainte,” by the way, means “cheers.”) Even if the toast isn’t in your own words, if you’ve picked one that works for your group, it can become yours.
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GRIEF COUNSELOR JENNIFER MIRABELLA McBRIDE remembers her mom:
“We gather together today to give thanks for all that we hold dear to us. This year is a different one than we’ve ever had before, as it is our first Thanksgiving without Mom. We can acknowledge that we grieve, but we are also grateful for all that Mom gave to us to hold dear in our hearts. When we “re-member,” we draw Mom close to us again. May we take strength from our memories, appreciate the present and look toward the future with hope! Cheers!”
Why it works: McBride, a diaconal minister in the Lutheran Church and director of HeartLight Grief & Loss Center in Denver, whose mother died in February, says the holidays pose one of the toughest transitions after a friend or family member has passed away. By recalling the missed person in a toast or blessing, you’re signaling your sadness, but not letting it overwhelm the occasion.
DISTRICT COURT JUDGE JOHN L. KANE goes with the tried and true:
“Here’s to those who wish us well, and those who don’t can go to …”
“May you be buried in a coffin made of solid oak, whose acorn we plant a hundred years from today.”
Why they work: The first was Kane’s mother’s favorite toast, the second, he just likes. The first works because even if it is a little naughty, it evokes the cherished memory of his mom. The second is to-the-point and uses a witty turn of phrase to wish its recipients well.
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POST DINING CRITIC TUCKER SHAW pokes a little fun:
“I’d like to propose a toast to the memory of Thanksgiving menus past.
Here’s to the Butterball turkey. Free-range heirloom turkeys get all the ink these days – and deservedly; their costly flesh tastes better. But is the good old supermarket roaster not worth a raised glass, even as he languishes unclaimed in a freezer case across town?
And while I will certainly ask for a second helping of locally grown winter beans with fennel shavings and piñon nuts, here’s to the good old, gooey green-bean casserole with Durkee fried onions on top.
Bring on the bulgur with roasted squash seeds, but let’s not forget the Stove-Top of gatherings past. Here’s to gravy prepared with a can opener and a microwave and to cranberry jelly, served up solid in the shape of the can it came in!
Let us lift a glass of organic wine in honor of the things we have left behind, for they too, are Thanksgiving.”
Why it works: Shaw goofs on the current state of culinary affairs and gives a little hug to the dishes that got us here.
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SPEAKER DEBRA FINE toasts with tongue in cheek:
“Remember, as far as anyone knows, we are a nice, normal family.”
Why it works: Fine’s favorite family cheer is is poached from the cartoon character Homer Simpson. She says it subtly affirms the weirdness that has created their group, which goes to the idea of understanding your audience.
