Q: Hi Scott,
Been reading your column for over a year while I’ve been trying — unsuccessfully — to find employment in the Denver area so I could permanently relocate to be with the man I thought was my life partner.
We were together over eight years. Things began to deteriorate when he switched from a regular, grounded day job to work on a software implementation project that required nationwide travel.
As the project wound down, he was ostensibly working from home. It came out later that he was searching for “friends” on the Internet during this time, and he e-mailed me at 11 a.m. one day that he was going to meet a guy for lunch at noon.
Yes, I was devastated….still am.
Then, the project was terminated. He interviewed for a position in your area and without me seeing the area, accepted it to start two weeks later.
I had to list the home I bought and paid for a year earlier for sale, and I found myself having to pack up mostly my belongings for the movers. I was devastated, again, and literally cried a river.
I still do, but thank God the river’s been lower from the recent drought. He became angry that I was so upset at losing my home, selling off my lifelong antiques, leaving my 10-year-old son and frail, elderly mother, and leaving my job of 20 years at
which I make a very good salary for the area in which I currently live.
I lived in a virtually empty house for eight months until the house finally sold, at about $10K less than I had hoped for and less 4.5% commission, which I had negotiated down from 6%, btw.
One comment he made to me right before he left for good was that he “probably shouldn’t have gotten involved with a guy with a kid.” He knew that when we first met eight years ago, when he was unemployed and had exhausted his unemployment.
I’m sorry to sound bitter, but I guess my home, my money, my security was all right until he thought he could fly on his own. Which he can’t, because I’ve sent thousands to him to help with expenses, etc.
He didn’t make a very good relo deal, and I paid the price for that, too. Guess he was in a hurry, you think?
So, why write to you?
Lately, I’ve taken to actively trying to meet guys. It’s a mix of needing to socialize and I’m sorry, but … needing to
sexualize, too.
I’ve made at least one dozen trips to Denver, for visits, interviews etc. Nothing, yet. I can’t be blowing all these interviews.
I’m in my 40s, but very well preserved. I’ve had two employers in almost 25 years. I think it’s my age, which is illegal, and my salary, which I’ve already cut by $15K for a starting salary. I’m willing to go another $5K if I have to.
The most common scenario is that I get a phone interview, get called back for face-to-face interview, leave thinking I’ve presented myself well and never hear back from them again. In two or three weeks, I see the same job being advertised again, but with maybe lower requirements or less experience and we all know what that really means: less $$$.
So, what have I done?
I’ve met some guys just for fun — fill in the blank — and I’ve also paid just to have some attention and someone to at least sleep with me.
That’s what I ache for the most, to be in bed with him, again. Just to be together and feeling his presence there.
In all this time, over one year now, he has NEVER paid to fly back to see me. He did come once, when the company paid for it, and that was it: once.
And during that visit he chose to “fall asleep” on the couch. The last time I was out there, about three weeks ago, I showed him how much I missed him. He wouldn’t even touch me. I had to ask him for a day before he would show any interest.
Then, it was very brief and not what I really needed or wanted. He also “fell asleep” on the couch and showed a great
deal of interest in the television, but not in me.
He also made some Internet friends, some of whom I was forced to meet on the last trip. He has more friends in Denver, and seems to have no financial problem going to a beer bash on Sundays, then to Fort Collins for Tuesday nights.
But, no money to fly back to see me, sorry if I sound sarcastic.
I’ve been very depressed and sad. I’m lonely and lost. I’m living in the empty house my mother left when she finally had to go into a nursing home last year. I lost two of the most important people in my life within one month.
I can’t go on like this. I do not want to be sad and lonely and end up bitter and old and alone, and that’s where I’m heading. Scott, who am I kidding, I’m there already. I want to get off this downward spiral NOW!!!!!
I have some options:
Quit my job and drive out there, period, and deal with it. But, based on over a year of looking for a job there, I’m afraid I won’t be able to find anything in the salary range I need. I can’t afford to pay for my car, my child support and another couple hundred a month COBRA for health insurance for more than a few months.
Stay put and keep looking, but where do I draw the line? I don’t want to keep on shelling out thousands of dollars in air fare, rental cars, etc. and have nothing to show for it in the end, which is where I’m at now. I can’t write this off until I get a job in Denver.
Tell him I need a break from all of this crap to get myself together, maybe meet some new people here (which I can do and have been doing, btw) and we take our chances.
Just end it. Then what happens to what’s left of my antiques/furniture etc. sitting out there while I’m back here in PA? They’re all I have left of my life.
It was a good life, too. But, I know now I made mistakes. I let my son and my aging mother dominate my life and free time. As the PA Dutch would say, I became too smart late.
I’d still like to try to stay together as a real couple, but I’m concerned about his behavior toward me. It’s almost as if he wants to be free of me, but can’t financially and resents me for it.
So, that’s my situation. What do you think?
Sign me,
– Have what I don’t want, and want what I can’t have
SCOTT: Take a deep breath. Or maybe it’s me that needs to.
We’ll get to the job situation in a second, but let’s start with the relationship, or should we even call it that anymore? The “relationship” has been over for a while despite the non-existent official ending.
How much more can you give to the lost cause in hopes that your needs will be met? How much more do you need to lose before you realize that the more you put into this lost cause the less you are going to get in return?
He made some choices clearly without consideration for you, and now you need to do the same. No more chasing a
person who does not reciprocate.
If you really want to get off your “downward spiral,” do it now by making some definite and necessary changes in your life.
The most difficult will of course be making the breakup official. Do that first.
Let him stand on his own two feet financially. He’s a big boy now!
Next, focus all this wasted energy on your family. Your ailing mother needs you and so does your 10-year-old, now take care of them.
Have your stuff shipped back to you in PA. Unless you’re dying to live in Denver, you have no reason to relocate, especially without a job.
And please stop paying for “love.”
That’s just a temporary fix that really isn’t a fix at all and only leads to possibly more problems. It’s the same as a person who’s dying to be rich so they gamble away their life savings. OK, you want genuine love in your life but you’ll never find it this way.
Finally, you can start looking for the job. Clearly, you haven’t experienced success with this because of all the drama in your personal life.
Take care of that first and you’ll have much more success on the job front. Write back when you get to this point and I’ll help you out with that.
I can give you this for now: try to keep in mind what an employer is looking for — generally, an enthusiastic focused individual who is loyal committed and has their life together.