REDSEQUINEDSHOES
Motto: “Follow the yellow brick road.”
I am a: 44-year-old woman
Living in: Tornado Alley, Kan.
Seeking: 41- to 51-year-old man
Relationships: Divorced; freaky friendships with Tin Man, Scarecrow and Cowardly Lion
Turn-ons: Thunderstorms, dancing, thrills, brainiacs
Turnoffs: Power trips, monkeys
Who I am and who I’d like to meet: I can sing, dance, and kill witches (it’s a long story). I’m a fun person to be around (unless you count the flashbacks from an old head wound). I enjoy the smell of rain, the sound of wind in the trees – and now know if it picks up, I head for the storm cellar, with or without Toto. I want to find someone brave and confident, not like that Cowardly Lion I married.My ideal man must love dogs and not mind living with Uncle Henry and Auntie Em.
If L. Frank Baum’s Dorothy Gale were actually a middle-aged divorced woman looking for a relationship in 2005, she would not have an easy time.
Today, single women – let’s stick with the ones over 40 – are finding the need to roll up our sleeves and pave our own yellow brick roads in a quest to find our Wonderful Wizards.
Gone are the days when we could meet guys at nightclubs, church socials or a keg party. No longer can we count on friends or family to fix us up on a blind date with that great eligible guy.
Waiting around for that chance meeting just won’t do. After 40, we don’t have the time or the desire to sit around and hope someone finds us.
Yet we’re lucky in one respect: The negative stigma once attached to dating services – whispers about “those poor, lonely women who need help finding dates” – is gone, replaced by, “Well, how else are we gonna meet guys?” We may not brag about it, but we’re still taking the plunge.
It’s certainly still possible to find a mate, but be prepared: It’s hell out there. Here’s who we’re most apt to come across along the yellow brick road: tin men (no hearts), scarecrows (no brains) and cowardly lions (no courage). Toss in a scam-artist traveling salesman or two, slovenly pigs from the farm, a few flying monkeys, some Munchkins and dopers smoking joints in poppy fields, and you’ve got the picture.
After a few frightening dates, you may find yourself chanting: There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.
(A note for our male readers: Don’t get your Hanes tied into knots. We’re certain you have horror stories, too – after all, Wicked Witches of the West are as abundant as Scary Monkeys. But we thought of it first. If you’re interested, we’d love to hear from you.)
So, after 40, despite the risks, pro-active dating is a necessity. Some (but by no means all) of the reasons:
Trends: July 2002 statistics from the Centers for Disease Control’s Vital and Health Statistics show 54 percent of divorced women remarry within five years – meaning 46 percent don’t.
Of course, take into account that many people make a conscious choice not to remarry. There are more people living alone than ever, according to a 1999 Rutgers University study. But that doesn’t mean there are more people available to date. By their mid-40s, many unmarried people are settled into long-term relationships or have embraced singledom. The complexities of life and relationships in the 21st century may have convinced many it’s just too difficult to find a suitable mate.
Geography: If you’ve been married before, had kids and set up house, you’re likely surrounded by single-family homes – most of them with families in them. Moms, dads, kids. Not prime dating ground. Also, we’re so settled into our lives and communities by the time we’re 40, most of us would be unwilling or unable to move to Alaska to start over with that great guy we chatted with on eHarmony.
Motherhood: Ever meet a single guy over 40 at church? At dinner parties? At school functions? Possible, but unlikely. Singles at my church attend Mass, say hello to their kids’ classmates and their parents, then head home. Dinner parties are typically all couples and that “odd” bachelor from down the street, so you end up playing Xbox with their 12-year-old all night.
The reality for most single moms is weekday nights filled with dinner, homework, bathtime, reading and stumbling off to bed by ourselves, bleary- eyed. Our weekends are filled with cleaning toothpaste spit off bathroom mirrors, doing laundry, fixing meals, hosting sleepovers, doing craft projects, going to the park and seeing “Chicken Little” for the fifth time.
Emotional baggage: Anyone who has been married (or not) knows all about that. We can’t escape it. We’re angry, fearful, emotionally battered and suspicious after putting our trust in someone only to get raked over the coals like the first time (or second, or third). It takes emotional fortitude to put yourself out there again.
As one of my girlfriends says, “Why bother?” Yet being middle-aged means you still have half your life ahead of you. If you want to spend it with someone other than Toto and Glinda the Good Witch, take the initiative.
Most of the options are daunting and involve tedious self-promotion, a strong ego and unflagging determination. Think of it as a second job – except it won’t be as much fun.
Among the options are online dating (such as match.com,eHarmony.com, Yahoo personals); newspaper personal ads, most now online; networking groups (SocialMonster, Timberline Tall Club); dating services (8 Minute Dating, The Lunch Bunch); and dining groups (Eight at Eight Dinner Club and Denver Wine Connection).
Go ahead, get in the dating game, online or otherwise.
A February 2005 survey by WeddingChannel.com found that 12 percent of engaged or married couples met online. But don’t get your hopes up. While statistics aren’t available for success rates per site or service, just ask anyone over 40 who has ventured out on dates. The Wonderful Wizards are rare; mostly we run into Wizards of Odds.
…
At any age, bad dates are an inevitability; there’s just no way around it. After 40, however, they get a little weirder. But don’t be scared off, ladies. At minimum, you’ll get some great stories – like these, garnered from some over-40 women:
Tin men: There are hundreds of people out there without hearts. If you’re lucky, they’ll stop communicating once they discover you’re not just out for a quick hop in the hay, or don’t have millions in a trust fund with which you’ll buy them beachfront property in Mexico.
One online hopeful went to meet a man for the first time at a coffee shop. He never showed, and never responded to ensuing attempts at contact, leading her to believe he saw her, was disappointed and left. Heartless.
Scarecrows: These are easy to spot. One guy spent an entire three-hour date raving about his ex-girlfriend. Worse still was the man who talked about his mother nonstop, admitting to running every decision by her. Next.
One very nice guy made the mistake of providing too many details of his sex life with his ex-wife. Another man, a widower, started e-mailing a woman. After a week, she asked, “So, how long has it been?” “My wife died in March,” he responded. “Then it’s been a little more than a year?” she said. “No, it’s been two weeks.” (Dude, think about how that sounds.)
Cowardly lions: These are the folks who fail to respond to expressions of interest, or e-mail once and then never again, without explanation. It’s a downside of the dating game, certainly. People become disposable, and “shoppers” get the callous attitude that there’s “always another one on the next page.” Put your ego armor on and buck up. With luck, you can find one with good intentions and manners to boot.
Traveling (snake oil) salesmen: On their first date, a 48-year-old man told a woman about his heart condition that doctors said could kill him within 18 months. On the second date, he begged off spicy food because of acute diverticulitis. On the third, she found out about the sinus polyps. The fourth, early signs of Tourette’s syndrome. None of those things much mattered to her. But this did: He would express his undying love one day and disappear for the next five. After he went MIA several times – once to “help out” an ex-girlfriend – she picked up on the commitment issues (or that he was hiding something) and moved on.
Pigs in the barnyard: These are the many, many guys who are interested in only one thing (it’s not your opinion on the Mideast peace process). One guy kept asking a woman how soft her legs were. Finally, she responded: “Well, I guess they’re soft, but better still, I have a terrific mind.” She never heard from him again.
A co-worker once met a psychotherapist online who was knowledgeable about mythology and symbolism. They went to a bookstore and landed in the Indian art section, where tomes held images of tantric sex. He told her about the rich symbolism of the male organ. Outside the bookstore, he started to rant. Heads turned as he loudly discussed genitalia throughout history. When he started talking about Jesus and testicles, she bolted.
Scary monkeys: Online dating is the perfect venue for scams, liars and other nasty people. Stories abound of Russian women with aliases and arrest records luring lonely American men with sexy photos and innocent-sounding pleas.
There’s no way to spot the emotionally questionable, such as the guy who kept asking why a woman didn’t respond faster. “Were you busy with your other boyfriends? Are you doing something with those other guys? Where does he take you on dates? Is he better looking than me?” That was all within three days of their first e-mail.
More evil still are the men who say they’re available but are actually married. Creeps abound. Keep your wits about you.
Munchkins: These are the folks who out-and-out lie about their appearances, the ones who post photos of themselves from college graduation or before the weight gain; or exaggerate about their height, income or life experiences. You just have to figure that some people who attempt online dating try to put their best foot forward; it’s tempting to fudge on the details.
Uncle Henry: A 39-year- old Iowa farmer expressed interest in a 41-year-old woman. Oh, wait, he was actually 50. Make that 55. Then 59. When the truth came out, he was actually 64. “But I think if you got to know me, you’d see that I don’t act my age.” Obviously.
Poppy-field dwellers: The pot smokers, the pill poppers, the passive-aggressive alcoholics – such as the guy one woman dated for two months and unwisely went on a cruise with before she discovered his demons. She called it a combination of “The Perfect Storm” and “Cape Fear.” If a guy brags about how much he can drink before passing out or asks if you like smoke (he doesn’t mean cigarettes), flee.
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Our intention by sharing these tales is to make you laugh, or maybe shake your head in dismay, but not to dissuade you. It’s certainly not going to be easy, but if you can make it past the cast of characters, you can meet some nice men with good hearts. (We didn’t include them since they’re either sweet memories or current boyfriends. What’s to dish about?)
So, ladies: Ditch the Wicked Witch of the West attitudes and dodge those falling houses, and you’ve got a chance to make it to the Emerald City and the guy of your dreams – where you will likely discover that, just like us, he’s not perfect at all. But he’ll hopefully have a caring heart, a well-utilized brain and the courage of his convictions.
And that will do.
Staff writer Barbara Ellis can be reached at 303-820-1751 or bellis@denverpost.com.
