Dear Amy: A good friend called me at work today and broke down in tears because of her oldest daughter. She whispered in a horrified voice, “We found out she’s smoking pot!” More sobbing followed.
Amy, she was overreacting! Years ago, when her daughter was 2 (she’s almost 15 now), this friend and her husband were our next-door neighbors. We were all pot smokers. We were certainly not model citizens or parents of the year, but because being parents came to mean more to us than anything else, we changed our behavior (except for my ex-husband, hence the “ex”).
My friend’s hysterics didn’t seem warranted or even realistic. In fact, I thought she was being hypocritical. But now I’m wondering. My daughter is almost 12 and has been through drug-awareness education at school. I keep close tabs on her, but I’m a realist.
Odds are, someone will offer her booze, pot or some equivalent. We’ve discussed drug and alcohol use (she’s very aware her father has a problem with alcohol), and I believe she will refuse such an offer. But you never know. I can’t condemn this behavior. That would be hypocritical; I can’t condone it, either – that’s irresponsible.
How much of my own experiences do I share? And then, if I share, how do I rebut the inevitable argument, “You did it; why can’t I?”
– Potsticker
Dear Potsticker: Hypocrisy is supposed to be one of the greatest sins of parenthood, but I reject that. That’s right. There are times when you need to lie – if only by omission.
Smoking pot is illegal. So is underage drinking. If you have a hard time making an argument against doing something both self-destructive and illegal, I wonder how you handle even asking your daughter to complete her homework. If she asks, “But Mom, did you always complete your homework when you were my age?” Your answer should be, “This isn’t about me. It is about you.” You can tell your daughter that you have done things that you regret without offering details. Make sure she knows about her family history of addiction and that it puts her at a higher risk for such behavior.
You had better get onboard, swallow your ambivalence, and be prepared to present a responsible (and truthful) statement to your daughter – along the lines of, “If you choose to try drugs or drink, I would be extremely upset and disappointed in you. I believe in you and want you to make healthy choices.” How hard is that?
…
Dear Amy: I am in a relationship with a dream guy. We have an “unofficial” relationship. We’ve never exchanged any “let’s be official” words, and when someone asks, I don’t know what to say! To everyone, including ourselves, we’re boyfriend and girlfriend. I don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea by answering either way if I’m asked if we’re “official.” What’s worse is when people ask, “How many months?”
– An (Un)Official Relationship
Dear (Un): If you don’t want to embarrass yourself, don’t say anything you’ve said above.
I don’t know what world you live in, but you seem to have many inquisitive friends who need very specific definitions about a relationship that you shouldn’t need to define.
I’m forced to conclude you are the one who needs definition. You and your guy get to write the relationship dictionary and define your union any way you choose. So ask him: “Are we ‘hanging out,’ ‘going out,’ ‘exclusive’ or what?”
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