Half of all marriages end in divorce in America – a country where single adults make up the fastest growing of all demographic groups, and where loneliness seems epidemic.
The problem is that our hearts crave intimacy, but we’re afraid to deal with its rigors, says Matthew Kelly, author of “The Seven Levels of Intimacy.” Kelly recently visited Denver.
Relationships, he says, lapse into mediocrity for many reasons: lack of a common purpose; no accountability; and the absence of quality coaching from a counselor or spiritual director.
And, yes, unrealistic expectations.
“If you define a great relationship as one without any unresolvable problems, or one without any conflict, then you are setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment,” he writes.
Style interviews Matthew Kelly about sex, soulmates and self-betrayal.
Q: So what’s the top reason that our relationships fail?
A: People don’t know what they want. They absolutely do not know!
When I talk to singles, I tell them they must have two lists. The first list has got be non-negotiable, and it can’t be a list of 97 things. It’s got to be short and concise. The second list is of things that would be nice.
And you have to live by that. People will date someone they know isn’t someone they want to be with, but they don’t want be alone.
Then they miss the opportunity to meet and be with people who do fit the criteria on their list.
Q: Single people tend to view marriage as nirvana. But some married people say they’re really lonely too. Is this existential loneliness, or something else?
A: It’s a number of things. Intimacy is mutual self-revelation, but the reality is that we spend more of our time hiding ourselves, masking ourselves, and putting up barriers.
We hide ourselves because of that great common universal – fear.
People think, ‘If you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me anymore.’ We all have that fear to varying degrees.
We hide ourselves so much that even though we’re with a person, we’re not with a person. We’re just a phantom of ourselves.
We can go through this whole life and never feel truly known by another person. That’s depressing, and it creates phenomenal loneliness.
Q: What do you think about popular concepts like love at first sight and soul mates?
A: They’re two very different things. I believe that something like love at first sight is certainly possible, but I clarify that by saying love is a choice. I really believe we choose those who we love…
The first thing that draws people together is some sort physical attraction. That’s reality. But beyond that we need careful discernment.
As for soul mates, I really do believe that in great relationships people are created for each other.
When you meet people in phenomenal relationships, it’s like two pieces of a puzzle put together, especially when you get to the (highest) level of intimacy, which is about two people working together to fulfill each other’s legitimate needs.
We’re all so wonderful and weird in so many ways. That two people could come together in relative harmony and work to create a wonderful life really is a miracle.
Q: You say that in modern culture, physical intimacy is easier than emotional intimacy. So how does that affect our relationships, especially on the dating scene?
A: The dominant cultural myth is that sex equates to intimacy. That can be part of it, but sex does not guarantee intimacy.
Young people are aware of the need for connection with other people. But because of the strength of the cultural message, they gravitate toward a sexual experience of intimacy. Then they feel let down, betrayed and used.
Q: So if the biggest problem in relationships is self-betrayal, how are we letting this happen?
A: Because we’re unaware of ourselves, we don’t know ourselves, and we do not really know what our legitimate needs are physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.
We become so consumed with illegitimate wants that we never can get enough of what we don’t really need.
Then our desires become disordered, whims based on cravings, not based on any real plan or knowledge of self.
If we want contentment and fulfillment, then we have to focus on our legitimate needs, which includes intimacy. That’s the key.
Staff writer Colleen O’Connor can be reached at 303-820-1083 or coconnor@denverpost.com.
