Q: Scott,
I’m not sure what kind of questions you take, but I really need to ask someone what to with my 65-year-old mother, who left her marriage of 47 years a year ago.
They divorced in the spring of 2005. She has been living with my husband and I, and we have spent tons of money for her to live with us.
She does not pay for rent, utilities, or anything but her own little personal stuff. She gets SS, Medicaid, Medipak, and all that but she doesn’t get a dime from her ex-husband because her lawyer was terrible and she came out with nothing.
She is a very healthy woman for 65 but she refuses to go to work to help support herself and help us with added bills. She doesn’t even buy groceries.
She won’t cook any meals, so my husband and I have something to eat when we get home. She doesn’t clean the house past wiping a dry cloth across the bathroom vanity. If it involves real elbow grease, forget it.
We are at our wits’ end, we are broke, we are beginning to have difficulties in our marriage.
My sister and brother do not contribute one dime to help with these costs and/or these problems. I’ve asked my sister to talk to her about going to work because mother blows me off when I bring it up.
My sister says, “Give her time.” That’s fine for her to say.
Let’s just tell the bill collectors that too as well as our marital frustrations.
I just don’t know what to do. I love my mother very much, but I am extremely frustrated at her selfishness and laziness. When I try to say something to her, she dives off into this self-pity thing and feels another panic attack coming on.
HELP!
– R Story
SCOTT: First of all, I take all kinds of questions, including yours, so thanks for checking.
Now for your mother. The time has come to begin taking steps to get her out of your home.
Call your siblings and let them know your plan and that you need their involvement. Be assertive, this should be a shared responsibility since she’s their mother too!
Next, sit mom down and tell her this arrangement isn’t working and you need to make a change. And no negotiating!
It’s one thing to help take care of a parent — and I’m sure it seemed like a good idea at the time to have her move in — but it’s clearly another to let that good deed ruin your lives.
So now that you’re broke, everyone’s stressed out and your marriage is in trouble, it’s time to evict mother.
Oh, that did sound bad, didn’t it?
She is 65, so something you might want to consider is moving her to a nearby retirement community. Everyone should pitch in financially and you could still look after her but also keep a healthy distance.
If that’s not an option, perhaps she’d be a better fit staying with your brother or sister and they could help get her involved with some senior resources to network, find a job, etc. Don’t give up on her, but don’t give up on your family FOR her either.
It’s never easy dealing with the decline of an elderly parent but it’s a lot better than divorce court.
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Thanks!
– Scott