Q: My husband has a daughter who was out of our lives for many years because she and her mother were jealous of our life together.
She now wants a relationship with us. She claims to be a born-again Christian, but her actions and words are anything but Christian. She always tries to get us to attend “her” church, whose members are so materialistic that I would have to buy a new wardrobe just to fit in!
We probably would consider going to her church if she weren’t such a hypocrite. Without hurting her feelings, how can we tell her that we’re tired of her preaching and that we don’t want to attend her church?
Catherine: There are more issues here than her preaching, although that is a big one. Are you willing to have a relationship with your stepdaughter? If you are dwelling on how selfish she’s been in the past, then she will annoy you whether she is talking about rabbits or religion.
Talk to your husband about the role she will play in your future. If you plan to include her, try to do it with a whole heart. Forgive her for how she has hurt you in the past, and be honest with her about the future.
Now about her “pushing her religion” on you: Nobody likes that. As long as you say it in a tactful way, don’t worry about hurting her feelings; just be honest. Simply repeat the last line of your letter, and you’ll get the point across nicely.
Forgiving your stepdaughter could free you up to show interest in her life. This might include asking her questions about her newfound faith. You can communicate love to her, while letting her know that pressuring you to be interested in her church actually drives you away.
Lily: “Be ye kind, one to another.” It doesn’t sound like there’s much of this in the family. No one likes to feel as if they have to get all Neiman Marcus-ed up to go to church. By the same token, no one likes to be called names and labeled “hypocrite.” Family members can have healthy relationships and attend different religious services. You should focus more on acting like Christians rather than worrying about which church is the right one for everyone. You can’t fail with the Golden Rule about “doing unto others.” Remember that one from kindergarten? It worked then, and it will work now.
Danny: Honesty is the best policy for wiping the slate clean and developing a strong and healthy future between y’all. We seem to be suffering from a new craze we might call “hypo-Christianity.” Your stepdaughter speaks of Christian love and reconciliation, but her actions scream hypocrite.
We often allow ourselves to be bullied into submission by one person’s or one group’s assertion that their own religious beliefs fit everyone. Without downplaying her rebirth, set some boundaries on what works for you. If her church isn’t right for you, then let her know. If her beliefs conflict with yours, then stand your ground regarding the right to maintain your own moral compass.
Let her know the road to Jesus and his salvation can have many paths, and no one church group has the toll-tag guarantee of quick and easy. You have the right to choose your own path instead of being forced to accept another one just to keep the peace. The truth may sometimes hurt, but the power of its clarity leaves no room for misunderstanding.
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