Q: Great Scott!
I really need your advice. Here’s the deal: I have been living with an old friend from high school now for several months.
At first, it was really great – we were always going out together on weekends, we’d hang out at home with a bottle of vino and talk about our ups and downs with relationships, work, etc. — girlie stuff. It was great because I felt like we were becoming really close friends again.
But in the past few months, things have taken a radical turn.
She is single, and claims that she got lonely sometimes when I would stay at my boyfriend’s place, so she started hanging out a lot more with some of her girlfriends who are “models” and work in the bar/nightlife scene. Of course, these girls are super skinny and have been known to have eating disorders.
All of a sudden, my roommate (who is already thin!) decided she needed to lose weight. She started working out twice a day and hardly eating anything substantial (living on tuna, eggs and milk). She started smoking like a chimney.
She quickly lost about 15 pounds in a month or two, and this diet and exercise regimen became an obsession. It was apparent that her physical health started to decline and even her attitude had changed — she was always sick and tired.
I made the choice to confront her, as I was becoming more and more worried. She ended up breaking down and opening up to me about her health troubles, financial troubles, etc.
She decided to see a doctor and was prescribed antidepressants. Things started to get better and she seemed to be surfacing from this dark hole she was in. She said sometimes good things do come from bad situations, and she thanked me for confronting her.
But now things are getting worse again.
She doesn’t work out anymore but she has not gained any weight back; she is out on weekends until 6 a.m. partying with these girls (out till 2 a.m. on work nights); some of my clothes, my makeup, movies, and glassware are disappearing from our apartment. She’s practically living with these girls and I just don’t know what to do.
I think these girls are really bad influences on her, but I don’t know how to tell her that without her pulling away from me even more. I care so much about her and I’m just really worried.
I want my old bubbly, fun, healthy roommate back.
What can I do to help her?
– Worried for my friend
SCOTT: Unfortunately, not much. Your friend has sadly been sucked into the gravitational pull of the dreadful modeling bar scene. How tempting.
All right, here’s an idea: try talking to her somewhere in private, say a dinner, and let her know how you feel about what’s going on.
Tell her you’re worried about the new crowd she’s hanging with and that you’re concerned for her well-being. Also, tell her how much you value your relationship, that you hope she’s making good decisions for herself and you just want what’s best for her.
Don’t pressure or threaten her, though. Ultimatums don’t work and usually backfire.
You basically want to come across as a non-judgmental, supportive friend who’s on her side. On the flip side, if the situation doesn’t improve (e.g., your things keep disappearing), save yourself and jump ship.
You can still be a supportive “distant” friend.
That’s about all you can do for her but try anyway. At least you’ll feel you did what you could.
The path of destruction is a narrow one but one which is chosen nonetheless, all too often.
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– Scott