Dear Amy: I have been married for more than a year now to my wonderful husband. Before we got engaged, we took some time apart to make sure we were ready to take the next step and get engaged. It lasted several months.
During the time we were apart, I had a “he’s just not that into you” relationship. He wasn’t committed. I wasn’t committed. End of story.
Before we crossed the line between friends and something more, we saw each other on a random basis as time permitted. Now from time to time thoughts of him creep into my head, and I wonder if I should call him. I recognize that when I do think about him, most of the time I’m having some sort of bad day.
I haven’t talked to him since my husband and I got back together, and it’s not fair to my husband that I would think about this guy or going out with him for drinks. My husband isn’t the type to belly up to the bar after a hard day, and most of my girlfriends have kids at home, so spur-of-the-
moment happy hours aren’t possible.
How do I get over this guy and find another outlet on those bad days?
– Can’t Let It Go
Dear Can’t: Let’s stipulate that you’re not
really into this other guy but that he is a stand-in for other feelings and frustrations you have. Finding another outlet would probably go a long way toward helping you leave this other relationship and enter fully into your marriage.
It’s clear you’re having some trouble making the transition to a completely committed relationship. Talking with a counselor would help you articulate your problems and separate your personal issues from your relationship issues. You sound slightly depressed, and whether you’re depressed or merely confused, a therapist can help you to sort it out. I don’t think it’s necessary for you to pull your husband into your “he was just not that into me” history, but you need some support to talk this through – and you’re not going to find it in a bar.
I hope this doesn’t sound trite, but I wonder if you get enough exercise. Walking, biking, hiking, swimming – any of these activities would get your blood flowing and help you manage those bad days. Best of all would be to find adventures that you and your husband could have together.
…
Dear Amy: My granddaughter, who lives in Arizona, is getting married next September. My daughter, who lives in New York, made her a lavish engagement party in New York. She received magnificent gifts.
My problem is that she now wants to give her a shower inviting many of the same people. I think it’s in poor taste, but she claims it is being done and is the “in thing.” Is she right?
– Wondering
Dear Wondering: The etiquette sources I consult say mothers shouldn’t throw parties for their grown daughters at which guests are expected to give gifts. The reason for this is that it makes the family look as if it’s “trolling” for gifts, which this family seems to be doing.
Engagement parties are not normally gift-giving occasions. They’re meant to be pure celebrations and fun wedding kickoffs. Showers are occasions where a small group of family members and close friends give the couple gifts to help them set up their new home.
By the wedding day, people in the couple’s circle will have been asked to give at least three gifts. I don’t know if this is the “in thing” (I have not heard it), but I suggest we all put a stop to it.
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