Dear Amy: My parents divorced nearly 20 years ago. For years, we would have to plan for months where my sisters and I would be on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to make sure that our parents got “equal time.” When my sisters married and started having children, it got even more complicated.
A few years back, my mother and stepfather decided to visit my niece to celebrate her birthday. Unfortunately, my father and stepmother were also going to attend the toddler’s party. My mother remarked to me that had she known that they were going to be there, as well, she and my stepfather never would have committed to the trip.
I reminded her of the birthday parties of my youth, where both her divorced parents were in attendance. “Nana” and “Poppie” had divorced when my mother was a teenager but managed to come together cordially to celebrate their grandchildren. My mother said, “Your father and I are not Nana and Poppie!” My response was, “Too bad.” Last year, just before Christmas, we lost my beloved sister.
At her funeral, my father walked up to my mother and apologized for being such a jerk over the years. All of their squabbles, post-marriage, had revolved around us “kids” (we’re all in our 30s now). Now that they had lost one of their children, there just didn’t seem to be any point to the fighting.
On Father’s Day this past year, my sister and I went to our father’s home to celebrate it with him. Recognizing that we would also wish to honor our stepfather, my father had also invited my mother and stepfather to join us!
Since then, there have been many celebrations that include all of my family. It is a gift indeed to be able to celebrate milestones and holidays without worrying that one set of parents isn’t getting enough “face time” with the grandkids.
My wish this Christmas is that all families that are in similar situations can find a way to put aside their differences with a former spouse to allow peace and joy for the sake of everyone.
I only hope that it will not take the debilitating loss of a family member to do so.
-Still Grieving
Dear Grieving: In my mind, this real-life story of your family’s journey toward reconciliation is the perfect way to celebrate the day. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us.
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Dear Amy: Our family was also stressed out each year with the problem of trying to get to multiple family get-togethers because of divorces and remarriages. Everyone wanted to keep everyone else happy and suffered for it! We solved the problem with a wonderful solution.
All of our five children with their blended families total almost 40 people.
We set aside the first Saturday after New Year’s Day as “Our Family Christmas.” The results are many-fold. No one is overly stressed out by then, we can take advantage of post-Christmas sales, the kids love having another Christmas, and we have a whole day to enjoy each other without rushing off to another home! Our names for gift-giving are picked out at Thanksgiving time; we all know just which family member’s home we will be going to and the day stays the same from year to year so we can plan for it.
-A Stress-free Holiday Family
Dear Stress-free Family: Lucky you – you have another celebration to look forward to!
E-mail askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
