Dear Amy: I am 40 years old and my husband is 36. We have been married for three years and don’t have children.
Last year he was “suddenly” filled with doubts. Was I the one? Did he ever love me? Did he choose me not knowing that he had options? This hurt me deeply. He was open and honest, and he got us into marriage counseling within a week. After a few months of counseling, I believed that things were OK again. Then on Valentine’s Day last year he informed me that his doubts had never left him.
He told me that he had to separate “for a while” to figure things out. I told him that if he needed to separate, I would consider our marriage over and just work on being OK alone. Weeks went by but he didn’t leave. I moved to the guest room, and we just kept crying and torturing each other about our history and guilt. He never dated or was involved with anyone else.
He finally got an apartment after my begging him endlessly to leave. Then he wouldn’t move – he was “too stressed about everything.” We sold our house, so I moved out the very next day.
It has been more than two months since I moved. He has been trying to get me back ever since. He calls countless times and wants to see me every day.
For a month I stopped contact, but then we started going out to eat a couple of times a week.
I love him very much, but now I don’t trust him or his level of commitment.
What should I do?
– Confused
Dear Confused: You know the saying, “If you love something, set it free”? So far, so good.
Now it’s time to change the locks.
OK. I’m exaggerating, but it sounds like your husband has become addicted to the chase. You might be encouraging him, perhaps because you are truly ambivalent about him, or maybe because you’re trying to punish him for jerking you around.
If you actually want to be with him, you two need to commit to more counseling. Certainly there are cases of couples breaking up and recommitting – or remarrying. But frankly, he sounds especially miserable. He needs therapeutic help and you should insist that he get it.
…
Dear Amy: I live in a 12-unit apartment building where I am blessed to be close friends with some of my neighbors. We all enjoy spending our evenings together several times a week.
My husband and friends think it’s OK to leave our infant son asleep in our apartment while we are visiting neighbors – as long as the baby monitor is on. We would, of course, check and double check that the stove was turned off, all the doors were locked, etc.
Also, there is a fire and CO2 alarm near the nursery that we would be able to hear through the baby monitor.
So far I have been able to avoid this situation by insisting that our friends always come back to our apartment after 7:30. However, that is not possible anymore now that another couple has a newborn.
Is it safe to leave our baby alone in the apartment because we will still be in the same building? I just can’t reconcile myself to the idea, but everyone else thinks I’m being overprotective.
– Worried Mom
Dear Mom: This makes me nervous too. Have you asked yourself who else has keys to your place? Does the “super” or maintenance staff have access to a key? Does your baby monitor work in every location you will be in? I can think of many frightening scenarios. That doesn’t mean that anything bad would happen, of course, but that doesn’t matter.
Your instincts as a mom are your best tools as a parent. And if everyone else thinks you’re being overprotective, well then, it’s a good thing that they aren’t your baby’s mom.
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