Q: Hi Scott,
I’ve been reading your column for several months now and I can relate to some of the issues and concerns others have. I can’t believe I’m writing you, however since you give such good advice I thought I’d give it a shot. What have I got to lose, right?
I have been divorced for six years, my boyfriend has been divorced for almost three years. His divorce ended due to the infidelity of his wife, and she ultimately ended up marrying the man she was fooling around with about a year and a half after their divorce.
I knew that our relationship would be difficult as I remembered well the emotional roller coaster I went through with my divorce so I tried to be a friend and a good support for him. We are both in our early 40s.
He has a 24-year-old daughter and a 22-year-old son and one 3-year-old granddaughter. My son is 21 years old. Our children are good people and understanding of our relationship.
I guarded my heart initially with this man, but quickly as time went on I fell in love with him and him with me.
However, I have had to deal with a great deal of fallout from his divorce which included constant phone calls from his ex, which I tolerated and understood in the beginning because I knew it was important for my boyfriend to establish a good civil relationship with his ex.
She also visited him on a number of occasions. This I understood, because they were still dealing with items that were hers, etc.
As our relationship progressed, these phone calls and visits continued. This time though, it was because she was bringing gifts and cards over i.e., birthday, father’s day, anniversary, etc. Even though it bothered me, I didn’t initially say anything as I just felt this was part of the healing/grieving process.
We went on several vacations together and her phone calls never stopped. In fact, she’d call several times throughout our trips.
She would also leave very long messages on my boyfriends answering machine when we were having romantic dinners at his house. She’d sometimes end the message with “Love ya.”
My boyfriend explained to me that she is just an extremely jealous person and can’t seem to allow him to move on and/or be happy. I truly believe him.
I believe he still cares for her and always will but he’s not in love with her anymore and he assure me of this often. Despite the fact that she is now remarried, she still calls.
It’s almost been three years since we’ve been dating and that I have been more than understanding, patient, empathetic, and trusting and that her continued intrusion into our life was beginning to affect our relationship and was out of line and inappropriate.
In the past he asked that I be more understanding and patient for him and the kids. I always agreed and he’s always let me know that he appreciates it and tells me that I deserve better.
I told him that what I deserved was for “her” behavior to stop and/or not be tolerated by him. He agreed and talked to “her” and asked her to “back off” and not call the house and only to call him (on his cell phone) only if it’s an emergency and/or has something to do with the kids.
She was angry, but stopped calling for a while.
Recently, she showed up at his house unannounced while we were having a good evening. I answered the door, and polite me, I just went and got my boyfriend, who allowed her in the house.
Her excuse was that she came to see their son (who is currently living with my boyfriend). Well, she could have called her son’s phone but didn’t.
It was also clear that his car was not in front of the house another indication that he was not home. She was just looking for an excuse to catch my boyfriend alone and/or start trouble between us. Which almost happened.
What I see is that the more my boyfriend resists her advances, the bolder she gets.
I must also mention that she showed up at our work one day. Their son also works where we do, and her excuse was that “while she was in the office, she wanted to say hi.” Of course, this created a lot of problems for us just what she wanted.
My question to you is, how long do you think I should have to put up with her? And what do you think we all can do to resolve the issues we are having with her?
Please keep in mind that we do not want to hurt the kids. I avoid saying anything to “his ex” because I think of how things will affect the kids.
I always politely answer her nosey questions and put up with her nasty comments and sarcasm. I don’t think it’s fair not to be able to answer “his” phone when I am at his house just to avoid her. My son calls there too.
– “More patient, understanding, and empathetic to a fault”
SCOTT: You really are more patient, understanding and empathetic to a fault, but why?
People will walk on you as much as you let them. Just lay down and they’ll stomp all over you.
It’s up to you to protect yourself, your relationship and your family from those outside negative forces. It’s also your boyfriend’s responsibility but somehow it’s become easier for him to avoid it completely, that pushover!
He probably doesn’t want to cause a stir with his ex since they’ve got kids in common, but they’re not even together anymore plus the kids are all grown up. They’ll always have some involvement but he still needs to establish boundaries with her and so do you.
Seriously, don’t put up with this any longer.
Her passive-aggressive behavior works for her because everyone else is too damn polite. Tell her you’d appreciate if she’ll have the courtesy to call before she stops over; you’ve been together for three years so it’s not like you’re a new girlfriend.
She’s too involved and everyone knows it.
Tell her you need respect from her out of respect to the kids, then talk to your boyfriend and tell him if he doesn’t pull it together and start being more assertive with her, his relationship with you could suffer the same fate.