Q:Hi Scott,
I have a major concern with this guy I’ve been dating for the past six months, and living with for the past two. I am a divorced woman of four years, who is ready to commit again.
My boyfriend on the other hand, seems to be bitter towards his ex-wife of two years. Unfortunately, I don’t really know all of the details of what happened to cause the divorce. And, I’m not sure I want to know!
He is a really friendly, outgoing, caring person, which is why I fell in love with him. He tells me he loves me too, and at times I feel it to be sincere.
But at other times, I feel as though I am a “pass time” for him. I have tried on many occasions to let him know how I feel, and he always just apologizes for being distant, and asks me to please not give up on him.
There are a couple of things that lack in our relationship, one being that we aren’t intimate very often. When we first got together I felt like a “tramp” because I was the first to initiate intimacy.
At first he would avoid the situation by telling me he had to leave or some excuse of that sort. When I finally got tired I confronted him and he told me it wasn’t the right time.
Well, let me tell you it was a blow to my ego, for a while I thought it was because of me. I have been with a couple of men, and might I add, they have been better looking than my boyfriend now. I have never struggled with a man not wanting to be intimate with me.
Well, about two months ago when he finally moved in, it happened. And because of how I feel for him it was the most wonderful experience I’ve had.
But since then I would say it has only happened two or three times more. I know that it is not the most important thing in a relationship, but for me it is a big part.
I’ve tried to rationalize the situation, asking if he’s completely straight, if he has some sort of disease I should be aware of, even asked if he had someone else. I am not sure if I am over-reacting and just need to give him time.
I have a gut feeling he is still either hung up on his ex-wife or so bitter towards her, so he can’t completely commit to another woman. It would be easier for me to end the relationship if he wouldn’t tell me he loves me so often, and if we didn’t get along so well (outside of the bedroom).
I also failed to mention that I am the second woman (besides his wife) to meet his parents.
A male point of view might help!
SCOTT: I agree with you. Sex may not be everything, but it’s still very important. Ultimately, it’s what separates intimate relationships from platonic ones!
I usually try not to generalize (for the most part) but it is unusual for the male in the relationship to have the lower sex drive, and when it does occur, it can be due to a number of factors. Let’s look at a few.
From what you said, one possibility could be a preoccupation with his previous relationship. That would distract him from his relationship with you.
How about any medications? A number of prescription drugs cause sexual dysfunction. Antidepressants, for example, cause sexual side effects in 40% of those who take them. That’s a lot.
Or maybe he could be diabetic. Diabetes also affects a lot of men sexually.
You know, we could analyze and diagnose him until the cows come home and leave again, but he’s the one who’ll essentially need to be interested in knowing why he’s not interested in sex to really get the bottom of it.
Sex is important, but communication is too.
Keep the conversation going because other than the physical deficiency, you’ve got a good thing going. Just try to get him to be more communicative, because the physical aspect of the relationship really does matter.