Q: For the past year, I’ve been sleeping with a guy who, for the previous eight years, I had known only as a friend. I always remind him that it is just sex, I don’t want a boyfriend, and I will continue to talk to other guys.
He continues to talk to other girls, and I am still talking to other guys. But I want it to change! I just want him as my boyfriend, but feel like I can’t tell him now. What do I do? How do I let him know without looking stupid? What if he likes his freedom the way I liked mine?
Danny: Hmmm – a real “Sex in the City” type of gal. If you recall the sitcom, any relationship that started with sex never had a future – probably the most realistic point of this TV fairy-tale, girl-power series.
You made a choice and excluded certain boundaries in establishing a casual physical relationship with this guy. Your emotions are beginning to rear their romantic head, and this spells disaster.
It is possible to suggest a more monogamous relationship. This means no more sex while getting to know each other out of the bedroom. He would have to agree, of course, and both of you would have to set an abstinence timeline. A new relationship will need to be nurtured and built on spiritual and emotional intimacy. A natural love connection independent of physical attraction needs to blossom on its own.
Honestly, immense amounts of time and effort will be required to re-establish self-respect and a true identity away from the sex-a-thon. You both blew up the bridge into your souls at the get-go. It might be time to learn your lesson and aim for a better existence.
Lily: OK, first get tested. I know that’s not the answer to your question, but with all the “talking” going on, it seems like the smartest first step. You really should be careful.
Then, you simply sit down and tell him you would like to start seeing him exclusively and more seriously. That doesn’t sound stupid to me. If he chooses his dating freedom, get over him quickly, because he isn’t “the one.” Learn this lesson now to avoid the same situation in your next relationship.
Maybe you just need some downtime from all the guy stuff and take care of yourself! Take some time to evaluate what you want from a relationship. No time like the present to figure out what you want. Suerte!
Catherine: The best thing you can do is to stop sleeping with this guy. You created a situation where he looks to you only to fulfill his physical desires. Back up and give him an opportunity to get to know you and gain respect for you. If he loses interest when your relationship leaves the bedroom, let him go. Hopefully, you can glean truth from “Sex in the City,” as Danny has. Any relationship that is based primarily on physical intimacy is headed for disaster.
Glossary
– Suerte: Good luck!
Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send letters to Consejos, care of Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202.
