Dear Amy: I have been divorced for about five years after a pretty long marriage. The split was fairly amicable. I fell in love with someone else after being left alone on many weekends.
I’m not proud of being a “cheater,” but that’s the way life goes sometimes.
My ex-husband and I have remained friends, although I do sense a little bitterness on his part every now and then.
The problem is that my husband still keeps in touch and even visits with members of my family. He makes it a point to tell me about it, and he says how happy they were to see him.
While we were married, he seemed to think that most of my family was crazy. Now all of a sudden he still wants them to be his family too.
I often feel as if he is trying to punish me this way, and I also feel betrayed by some of my relatives. Although I don’t expect them to hate my ex, I thought there would be some amount of loyalty toward me, especially because one of these family members is my godchild.
Am I being unreasonable and jealous?
-Liz
Dear Liz: Yes, you are being unreasonable and jealous. You are also playing into the hands of an ex-husband who might be bitter, as well as family members who might wish to punish you – even a little – for being a “cheater.” But hey, that’s just the way life goes sometimes.
You are naive if you think that family members will automatically approve of your life choices, just because they are related to you.
The only way to deal with this is to be good-natured and ignore it and to assume that when it is clear that they have punished you enough, your ex and your family will tire of one another.
. . .
Dear Amy: This year my large extended family drew names for a “Secret Santa” gift exchange. We did this because it was a good way to save money and still have fun.
I drew my cousin “Martha” and her new boyfriend.
They had just moved in together, and I asked around to see what anyone thought would be a good gift. I found out from my aunt (Martha’s mom) that they needed bathroom decor items.
The family gathered on Christmas Eve at my folks’ house and exchanged gifts. I was not able to be there, so I went to my mother’s house and dropped my gifts off so that my cousin and her boyfriend would get to open their gift at the party along with everyone else.
I have not heard from my cousin about whether they received and liked my gift. I find this very irritating and rude.
Isn’t it common etiquette to thank someone for trying? My boyfriend tells me that I should not get so upset about it and that they are probably busy, but I am hurt and don’t know if I should contact her and ask if she liked it, or if I should just hope that I draw a more grateful relative next year.
– Hurt in Calif.
Dear Hurt: It is common etiquette to thank someone for a gift. However, it is common behavior not to.
You should not be hurt. You have my permission to think that your cousin is rude, however. You might want to call or e-mail her to make sure that she received the gift – this will give her a chance to thank you. Perhaps it will also embarrass her just enough to realize that if she is adult enough to set up her own household, she should be adult enough to thank someone in a timely manner for a thoughtful gift.
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