Q: Dear Scott,
I am hoping the get an honest opinion from the male species on something that has been bugging me.
I am an attractive female in her late 30s who is always smiling and optimistic, has ‘been around the block’ and who thinks like a guy. What I mean by this is that I make it clear to a guy that I believe in casual dating, which means he can see other girls and I can see other guys. (I have great self esteem and am not the typical girl who says they can see other men but then gets all jealous).
I never lie, although I don’t volunteer information, either. I typically date about three guys at a time and don’t waste my time on one-night-stand types of guys and only date men if they are someone that I could potentially see myself spending the rest of my life with.
Here is the dilemma: I feel like I am leaving a trail of broken hearts behind, and I am a nice person and even though I honestly feel that I have done nothing wrong, I can’t help but feel guilty. It is almost to the point where I don’t even want to date!
I know this isn’t exactly a “problem” I should be complaining about since I meet wonderful men and enjoy every moment of their company. But I even go so far as to tell them they are calling too often and it makes me feel like I am in a relationship, or tell them flat-out I cannot see them on Friday because I have another date.
They still act so hurt when I don’t want to see them anymore! (Age range of the guys I date are mature early 30s to mid 40s.)
I am very picky, and just haven’t met the right person yet who I think can keep the flame going in the long term! Yes, I have been married before (two years), and yes, I have been in several committed long-term relationships in the past so am not afraid of commitment.
Can you give me some pointers on how to handle the casual dating thing better? I tried the one-man woman thing over the last 10 years and it just never worked out with the various one-two year relationships I was in, so I was trying this and having much more fun and getting more respect from guys and much more interest. But the downside is the guilt I feel when it just isn’t working out with a guy and I have to tell them I don’t think it is going to go anywhere, and we shouldn’t see each other anymore.
Am I just a worry wart? Thanks for your opinion!
– “Maneater” in Colorado (the nickname I have been branded)
SCOTT: I’m not sure I understand. Are you feeling guilty for “thinking like a guy” or not feeling guilty? You say you feel that you haven’t done anything wrong on one hand, and then claim that you can’t help but feel guilty on the other.
So which is it?
If you’ve treated men badly and really felt guilty about it, you wouldn’t do it anymore, right? However, there’s a great deal of difference between treating someone poorly and dating other people.
You’re technically single and free to be honest about not wanting a commitment. Communicate that early on. Say, “It’s nice to spend time with you but I’m not looking for anything permanent right now.”
Don’t go into detail about dating other men. You’re supplying too much information! Geez, no wonder they call you “Maneater!”
Do you think men tell women, “Oh, Friday night? I’m sorry, I can’t. I’ve got another date!”? That would be insensitive.
They’re single, just like you, but too much information is not necessary. So when a guy starts acting like he’s falling for you, give him subtle hints that you’re not that interested and if that doesn’t work, a simple reminder that you’re still not ready to settle down should keep things on your terms.
I hope that helps. Happy noncommittal dating!