Is “good divorce” an oxymoron? That debate is being rekindled by psychologists and relationship experts across the country, in part by Elizabeth Marquardt’s new book, “Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce,” in which she says there is no such thing as a good divorce.
Marquardt’s claim is based on her research of 1,500 young adults, half who grew up with divorced parents and half whose parents’ marriage stayed intact. Her contention is that all divorces have lasting negative effects on children, although she says an amicable divorce is better.
Larry Curry, a Denver-area family therapist, echoes some of Marquardt’s sentiments. Any child of a divorce, whether young or old, he says, suffers emotionally: “Anything that disrupts (the marriage) does not stop the dream or the desire that children have to have their biological mother and biological father together, so they hold onto that.”
But when former couples work at creating a “good divorce,” children can be positively affected, not harmed, says Dr. Susan Rutherford, a Denver psychologist.
She counsels her clients – 50 percent of her practice is working with couples – that when children are involved, the couple will never be completely separated. She advises former couples to remain friendly for the sake of the children and their own mental health.
“It is healing to not have large amounts of animosity between people,” Rutherford says.
She acknowledges that remaining friends after a divorce can be difficult. As a first step, she advises couples to “stop dwelling on the bad things that went on in the marriage or the divorce.”
A Castle Pines resident says she and her ex-husband have made the idea of a “good divorce” work for them.
“If a divorce can be good, it was as good as it can get,” says Lydia Noble. She and her husband (who did not want his name used in this story) have been divorced for 18 months, and are the parents of a 15-year-old daughter.
One of her secrets? Noble says she and her ex-husband didn’t go through the standard divorce court, where custody battles and fights over belongings are often acrimonious. Instead, she sought out a lawyer who specializes in collaborative law, which focuses on resolving divorce and separation issues in a more informal setting.
Attorney Sheila Gutterman, who handled Noble’s divorce, admires parents who remain cordial for the sake of their children. “Parents who can keep conflict away from the children are parents who in my opinion have been part of a good divorce.”
9News reporter Carrie McClure can be reached at 303 871-1491 or carrie.mclure@9news.com.
