Editor’s note: in case you missed it, you can read a transcript of Scott’s live chat yesterday . Scott had fun, we had fun and we think you had fun if you were in the chat room. Let us know if you’d like to have Scott do it again, or if you’d like Scott to do chats regularly.
Q: I have been with a man for about five years. We are both divorced after long marriages, and our children are grown and out of the home. We have been living together for the past year.
When we were initially dating and getting to know each other, I made several queries about his past relationships and sexual habits. At our age and in these times, such questions seem reasonable and I have high standards for character and integrity.
He was adamant that he had never cheated on anyone in his life, never paid a woman or business for sexual favors and had limited sexual contacts.
You can probably write the rest of my story by yourself. Yes, he had lied about everything.
This last year, after he moved in, he wanted to come clean after I started asking more questions, given a gut feeling I had. He had cheated on several previous partners, has frequented strip joints, topless bars and massage parlors, participated in group sex, has used magazine and Internet porn extensively, been to live sex shows, etc, etc.
He has been obsessed with sex since he was exposed to porn at a very young age has been quite the voyeur. And yes, he was in the military. Military men had warned me about this kind of activity, and getting involved with any military guy.
He reports that since he has been with me for the past five years, all of these disgusting activities have completely stopped. He states that he had determined that it was time for him to clean up his act since his obsession had destroyed every relationship he had and he was determined to have something good with me.
He also states that he has experienced, for the first time in his life, a truly rewarding intimate relationship. Truth be known, I have not had any indication that he has continued any of this while with me, and he has been accountable as long as I have known him.
Then, he will comment that I should consider myself lucky to have him since he knows of other men who have done much worse!
Of course, my question is, now what?
Do I kick him to the curb or wait or see what happens? I have lost (temporarily?) all respect and any feelings for this person.
He states he is willing to do anything to rebuild the trust and his actions do reflect that statement. And what would he need to do to prove himself at this point?
What else has he lied about?
– Wish my gut had spoken earlier…
SCOTT: I wish HE had spoken earlier, but he chose not to, at least not until his guilty conscience got the best of him. Hey, there’s something to be said for that!
Not everyone will agree, but I think he deserves a little credit for finally coming clean. My concern is what he’s doing to stay away from all of his past tempting temptations. Anything?
Yes, an intimately rewarding relationship is rewarding, but he could probably use a hand (sorry) abstaining from all of the sexual activities he used to be involved in. In fact, with your recent loss of respect you could probably both use some assistance.
Seek out couples counseling so you can get it all out there and hopefully get the relationship back on track. You might decide you aren’t well-suited, or maybe you’ll discover each other all over again but find out first, OK?
If you do stay together, he’ll have to work on showing you that he’s honest and trustworthy, and you’ll have to stop busting his chops over this issue.
After all, the past is unchangeable.