Dear Amy: Since starting a Ph.D. program four years ago, I have become great friends with a classmate, “Wendy.” She is a superstar with an Ivy League education. She is loving and outgoing, and is friends with everyone.
I have come to realize how insecure Wendy is. She thinks that because she is a size 16, she is worthless and no man will ever want to be with her (something her mother apparently told her). When she finally starts dating someone, she sabotages the relationship because she thinks there must be something wrong with a guy who would want to date a fat girl.
This self-loathing is affecting her research and making her depressed. I tell her I refuse to listen to her put herself down and that she is not seeing herself as we all do, but it does not sink in. She is not fishing for compliments; I think it is a cry for help.
How do you tell a woman you love and admire that she needs therapy? I am worried she will continue this spiral until she does something drastic.
– No Name in Massachusetts
Dear No Name: There’s a good chance your friend will be able to get a referral fairly easily through your university’s student health services, medical school (if you have one) or psychology department.
Tell her you’re worried about her health. “Wendy, I think that you need to be screened for depression. I found out that you can get a therapist through the student health center and here is the number.” You don’t need to speculate about her mother and her self-loathing, though rather than refuse to listen to her put herself down, start listening and asking questions.
“Why do you think you feel that way?” for example.
This isn’t to turn you into a shrink, mind you. But good friends like you can help to illuminate a path by listening and by speaking the truth.
…
Dear Amy: I work in a small office with four other women. We have the communal radio tuned to a soft-rock station. One of my co-workers will burst into a tuneless whistle without any warning. This whistle is so loud and abrupt that it jars the rest of us. When not whistling, she is humming in a very flat tone that feels like an out-of-tune car engine.
This bothers us enormously, but we haven’t figured out what to say to her. We don’t feel like we can consult our supervisor, as his office is far enough away that he doesn’t hear this.
– Not Tone Deaf
Dear Not: Your colleague might not realize what she is doing. Tuneless singing and whistling is like that.
Start by treating this lightly. “Sonja – you are singing.” “Oh – am I?” she’ll say. “Yes, and I can’t concentrate,” you reply. When she whistles, remind her that she is whistling.
If she doesn’t seem to catch on that this is very distracting, just come out and tell her. If that doesn’t work, it’s time to consider singing to the boss.
…
Dear Amy: I wonder if a recent writer, “Peeved Road Runner,” even realizes the irony of lecturing drivers on safety while she runs along with her iPod blaring, oblivious to her surroundings.
I have been a distance runner for 16 years, and I commute to work by bicycle along a busy shared pathway.
I inadvertently “scare the life out of” runners like “Peeved” on a regular basis. Despite ringing my bell and calling out “Passing!” they cannot hear me over their music and are startled when I do pass.
Running with headphones is dangerous, careless and disrespectful of others using the path. My message to Peeved and other runners like her: Save your music for treadmill or track workouts.
– Share the Path in Virginia
Dear Share: Some of the clunkier old headphones seem to allow ambient sound to penetrate. But the new ear buds seem impenetrable.
Runners, be careful!
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