Dear Eric: I am a very loving grandmother with family on the West Coast. I live on the East Coast. I make every effort to reach out to my son’s family. I purchase books, clothes, candy, school supplies, toys for every holiday and birthday. I wrap up and mail these “Love boxes” involving time, effort, thought and expense.
I am stunned and beyond hurt when my son told me that they got the Easter Bunny Box but didn’t open it. Instead, they packed up and went on vacation.
There’ve been no complaints about past gifts. I must add that my son’s wife is very controlling and for some reason doesn’t like me. I must add that I include a gift for her in the box.
I am at a loss as to how to proceed. I don’t get it. My middle grandson has a birthday soon. What am I to do?
— Insulted Grandmother
Dear Grandmother: The hurt and frustration you’re feeling is reasonable, but it’ll be helpful for you to right-size the offense here. You sent the gift as a way of reaching out and showing your love and while your expectation about the presentap reception wasn’t met, is it fair to assume that the Easter box did eventually get opened by a grandchild? Is that something that you can confirm now?
Additionally, is it possible that your son and his wife chose to delay opening the box until they returned from vacation so as to minimize packing chaos with kids? I’m not trying to advocate too much on behalf of your son here. However, it seems that there are some fuzzy details on both sides of the relationship between you and him and it can be easy for all of us to fill in the blanks in ways that aren’t actually helpful.
In short, though they may not have intended to slight you, the truth is that you feel slighted. The next step is finding a place to meet in the middle and clarify whatap unsaid or unclear on both sides.
Have a conversation with your son about the presents you send. Try to come at it from a place of openness and curiosity about what kind of relationship you can build. For instance, you might say that itap hard to be so far away from him and you’re trying to find ways to feel connected.
You might suggest that when you send love boxes, the family could schedule a time to FaceTime or Zoom with you as they open them. You should also ask if the love boxes continue to be a good way of showing up in your grandchildren’s lives or if there are other things that they want or need.
The relationship with your son’s wife is a separate issue, but one you can also address proactively with her. If you’d like to be closer, you can ask for that. Ask if there’s something between you that you can work together to resolve. Use “I” statements and try to avoid placing blame. The goal here is mutual understanding rather than score-settling.
Dear Eric: I am an 85-year-old woman with a 55-year-old daughter. I have a friend I’ve known for 60 years. She’s married. I get along fine with her spouse.
She is my oldest friend and golf buddy and has been my health care proxy for a long time. She recently came down with debilitating cancer. Subsequently, I have developed serious heart issues. I have changed my health care proxy to another friend who is younger and would be able to coordinate with me, the doctor, hospital and my daughter. I don’t want my friend to have to carry the burden of making health care decisions for me.
My problem: How/should I tell her of the changes I have made to my proxy? How do I tell her? Or should I? She is asking me questions about my health status, so I know it is on her mind.
— Healthcare Dilemma
Dear Healthcare: You should tell her so that she’s on the same page and knows how to best support you. You’re being kind by considering whatap going on in her life and you can lead with that. You’re worried that coordinating your healthcare needs might be too much to ask for her as she navigates cancer and you want to relieve her of some of that responsibility so that she has the capacity to attend to her own treatment. Tell her that this isn’t about anything she’s done nor is it a reflection of a diminished opinion of her. Tell her how much she and her friendship mean to you and suggest that you can both find other ways to continue caring for and supporting each other, just as you’ve done for the last 60 years.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
