Can you believe that jerk, screaming like that? What an idiot!
Where’d that guy learn how to drive?
People are so mean these days. It makes you want to shoot their tires.
Wait. Who said that last part? Oh, yeah, that was me.
In our national tut-tutting over how angry and rude society has become, the player who seems lost in the discussion is the one in the mirror.
People are quick to say everyone else is behaving badly on the highway, at the customer-service desk, waiting for the (expletive) moron to bring our double tall decaf soy Macchiato.
But guess what? You are part of the problem.
“Many times people are not even aware they’re being nasty. It just comes out; it’s automatic. … People have given themselves permission” to blow, says Brenda Shoshanna, a New York psychologist and author of “The Anger Diet: Thirty Days to Stress-Free Living.”
Consider what happened recently to Sara Fidanza, a Denver nurse practitioner and mother of two.
It had been a tough day at work. She had been to a school piano recital earlier in the evening. Time was slipping away and bedtime fast approaching for her two school-age sons.
Her fifth-grader, who had yet to start his homework, swiped a wooden dowel his little brother needed for a school project that was due the next day.
Fidanza felt an irrational anger rise along with her voice. On nights like this, every request, every complication felt like a personal affront.
“Please put that down,” she said. Then she said it again. And again. And again.
“PUT IT DOWN!”
By now she was screaming. Her son threw the stick across the room and started to cry. Her husband glared at her for creating a scene. She felt like sinking into the floor. Good mothers are supposed to be even-tempered and patient.
She hates it when she hears other people bellow at their kids. Even more she hates that she is one of those people.
“It scares me to see that moment in myself,” Fidanza admits.
But along with fear and embarassment, she also feels defensive. Outsiders only see the end, not the buildup. How dare anyone judge her?
Meanness as power
Such a mix of emotions is precisely what makes changing behavior so difficult, says Iris Mauss, an assistant psychology professor at the University of Denver who studies anger.
Two forces seem to be at play in the so-called anger epidemic sweeping the nation.
First, heightened stress is everywhere. Time is crunched, plates are full. The lose-it threshold has been lowered.
For accomplished real estate broker Christina de Barros it was one irritation after another that finally piled up. She likes to get things done quickly and efficiently, but at every turn it seemed people were either late or hadn’t finished what they promised.
Everyone was full of excuses. It was starting to feel like a conspiracy.
By the end of the day she had had it. Her last stop was a grocery store. When she didn’t get the service she needed, it was the last straw.
“Would you just pay attention!” she snapped.
By then she wasn’t just talking to the grocery store employee, but to everyone else who had irked her throughout the day.
But beyond stress, something else may be contributing to the unleashing of everyone’s inner brat.
“The national discourse of this country is attack, attack, attack,” says Dr. Redford Williams, author of “In Control: No More Snapping at Your Family, Sulking at Work, Steaming in the Grocery Line, Seething in Meetings, Stuffing Your Frustration.”
Williams, who studies how anger affects health, sees ordinary people modeling the behavior of those with status. He points to how celebrities, reality television stars, media personalities and even political leaders regularly insult, trade obscenities, or tell anyone in disagreement to “shut up.”
With this loss of inhibition and boundaries of politeness, meanness is seen not only as acceptable, it signifies power and influence, he says. People do it because they can.
Anger is a choice
When such attitudes are imitated, it becomes a recipe for escalation every time one person with an inflated sense of entitlement runs afoul of someone on a similar power trip. This is especially true for those who find themselves on the receiving end of a seemingly unprovoked attack. They feel duty-bound to strike back.
Shoshanna also blames the increasing anonymity and detachment in our culture. People feel freer to let their middle finger fly in traffic because they believe they will never see that driver again.
She sees the same thing in cyberspace. A person who would think long and hard before confronting someone face to face may be more willing to take a nasty swipe in an e-mail, on an Internet bulletin board or in a blog.
Although it might not feel so in the midst of a squall, anger is a choice, say both Shoshanna and Williams.
Two things must be decided:
Can you change the situation? If it’s a belittling boss, rush-hour traffic or a slow-moving grocery line, the answer probably is no. At least not at that moment. Then, you must decide to change your reaction, Williams writes in his book.
And then you talk it out
Erich Kirshner recently switched public relations jobs and tripled his commute time. Most nights by the time he has pulled into his driveway, he has talked himself down from the hostility ledge.
Nevertheless, on a recent father-daughter ski trip – in part to make up for him not being home as much – residual tension bubbled up as he struggled to lace his child’s ski boots.
She complained; he snapped.
“Don’t whine,” he barked, instantly irritated she didn’t seem more grateful for the outing. Then, when he saw her stricken face, he felt terrible.
“It was really a heads-up for me,” he says. He was taking out his stress on an easy target.
But just because controlling the anger impulse is possible does not mean it’s easy, especially since society seems to be sending the opposite message.
Fidanza, the harried mother of two, says after she exploded at her son she apologized. They talked out what had happened.
“We cannot operate like this,” she said gently. “We cannot operate in the scream mode all the time.”
Then mother and son linked little fingers and vowed to do better. Pinkie promise.
Staff writer Jenny Deam can be reached at 303-820-1261 or jdeam@denverpost.com.
Test your anger quotient
Rate yourself on each item from 1-5; 1 is lowest, 5 is highest
When trouble comes:
1. Do you immediately expect the worst?
2. Do you look for someone to blame?
3. Do you begin to wonder what you did to cause this?
4. Do you freeze?
5. Do you feel doomed?
6. Do you quickly look for others to take over?
7. Do you run away from what’s going on?
8. Do you turn to substances to feel better?
9. Do you fantasize about things being different or just hope they will work out?
10. Do you refuse to communicate your feelings to others, openly and honestly?
11. Do you pretend everything is fine?
12. Do you bottle up your anger?
13. Do you express your anger by withdrawing, and refusing to do what’s needed?
14. Do you hold on to grudges?
15. Do you plot ways to get back at the person?
17. Do you give others a piece of your mind? Act out your feelings?
18. Do you undermine others behind their back?
19. Do you have to win every battle?
20. Do you always have to be better than others?
21. Do you have to control the entire situation?
22. Do you make someone else feel guilty?
23. Do you back out of plans or renege on your word?
Scoring your anger quotient
22-35 Anger Master:
You are fully in charge of your anger. It is well-integrated in your life.
36-60 Anger Balancer:
For the most part you have balanced your anger. However, there are spots to be watched and handled.
61-80 Anger Addict:
Anger has a larger grip on your life than is safe for you and healthy. Attention is needed for large parts of your life.
81-110 Anger Victim:
You are a victim of your anger. It is over-running your life. Professional help is suggested.
SOURCE: BRENDA SHOSHANNA, AUTHOR OF THE ANGER DIET
How not to explode on the job, in the grocery checkout line
Tips for managing stressful situations from “In Control: No More Sulking At Work, Steaming in the Grocery Line, Seething in Meetings, Stuffing Your Frustration”:
When you are confronted with a situation that makes you angry, ask yourself these four questions before reacting:
1. Is the matter important to me? Take a good look at the whole picture. This involves taking yourself out of the situation, even for a few seconds. Sometimes just that action alone will let you see this is not worth a fight. If you still think it is important, go to the next question.
2. Is what I’m feeling appropriate for the situation? Be very honest about what you see or feel, not what you think you see. Don’t look for hidden agendas. Take a moment and try to imagine that if you were an outsider and saw the situation and your reaction in someone else, would you still approve? If the answer is yes, go to the next question.
3. Is this situation modifiable in a positive way? If you are caught in traffic on a rainy day or your boss just told you in a crowded room that your ideas are stupid, the answer is no. You can’t stop the rain, and screaming at other drivers or slugging your boss and storming out of the room are not going to change anything for the better. But you’re still ticked off and feel anger building. So now what? Move to the next question.
4. When I balance the needs of others and myself, is taking action worth it? This is perhaps the trickiest of all. After you have moved through the first three questions you may realize it is simply not worth it to go to the mat or raise a fuss. This is where you need to take a moment and weigh everyone’s feelings, not just your own. You might feel better in the moment but how would you feel later? Would you be haunted by guilt or embarrassment? If you quit your job in a huff you have stuck to your principles, but what about the bills that need to be paid or the reputation you will gain as a hothead? How would the person on the receiving end of your tirade feel? Would they further retaliate and the situation escalate? Is it still worth it? If the answer continues to be “yes,” you should take action but not before you consider all of the possibilities and outcomes and proceed as calmly as possible. Again, like the first example, sometimes the action of thinking through all of these questions will slow your anger enough to allow your reaction to be more rational and effective. You could speak privately with your boss and say you feel his or her comments are not helpful to you or the company. You could begin a job search. If you have received bad service at a store you could write a letter to a supervisor or district manager outlining your complaints. Ultimately you will feel better if you don’t explode.
– Jenny Deam
