Dear Amy: I am throwing myself a big 40th-birthday party in June at the Waldorf-Astoria hotel in New York. I’ve invited about 100 people. Family and friends are flying in from as far away as Bangkok.
I am gay and have never had a wedding, so I want to make a big deal of my 40th birthday.
My sister and brother-in-law have informed me that they already had plans to go to Jamaica that week and don’t want to alter their plans.
I am very upset.
My sister very much wants to come. My brother-in-law and she have had several fights over it, but he has forced her to make a choice.
She has actually suggested that attending my party could end her marriage.
I spoke with my brother-in-law and told him how important it was for me to have them both there – the rest of my family will be attending – and that I would cover any and all expenses. He told me that it was a matter of respect and that he felt that they were always changing their plans to accommodate family events, and that he needed to draw the line somewhere. I told him that I had inconvenienced myself several times for them, that I attend every major family function at great expense and trouble (including my sister’s three weddings), and that I was hurt. They wouldn’t even have to cancel their trip. Attending my party would only require them to arrive a day and a half later.
I fear that this will have major repercussions on my relationship with my sister and brother-in-law, whom I’ve always gotten along well with.
I know that the next time there’s an opportunity to do something with them, my attitude will be that I shouldn’t bother to go out of my way for them, which is antithetical to my nature, and will mean a real devolution in our good relations. What can I do?
– Ed
Dear Ed: You’ve taken this as far as you can, and now it’s time to drop it. Presumably, your sister’s trip was planned before your party invitations went out (you might have avoided this conflict if you had chosen a date that worked for everyone in your immediate family). If you are going to the trouble and expense of throwing a party for 100 at the Waldorf-
Astoria, then you had better turn your attention to your other guests so that you – and they – will have a great time on the night.
I think it’s fair to assume that your sister and brother-in-law will hear about what a wonderful event it was after the fact and will wonder why they drew a line in the sand at this particular time. It seems shortsighted, and they may realize it.
In terms of your future with these two – please don’t act in a way that is antithetical to your nature. If you are kind, accommodating and generous, then continue to be. Otherwise, the bad guys win.
…
Dear Amy: About once a year an ex from my long-ago past contacts me.
She e-mails or leaves a message on my answering machine.
I’ve never responded.
Recently I received one of these e-mails and have ignored it yet again. But is this the right thing to do? I’m not angry with her, but I don’t wish to reconnect. I don’t regret our involvement, but that time was a particularly painful stretch in my life. Is it OK to continue ignoring these attempts to contact me, or do I owe some explanation? She works at a college in my town, but I’ve been lucky enough not to run into her.
– Conflicted in Collegetown
Dear Conflicted: Hearing from someone once a year doesn’t sound like a huge deal to me, but if this bothers you, you should ask her to stop (though even asking her to stop opens up a communication with her that you might not want to have).
Otherwise, ignore it. Surely she realizes that you’re just not that into her.
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