If you need highbrow backup to relax and have fun in your own backyard, try Thoreau: “It is not worth while to travel around the world to count the cats in Zanzibar,” the famed porch-sitter once said. Or better yet, just look around and ask: What are all these tourists doing here? They came to see Colorado. To do the same, look to Colorado Springs, a paradise of inspired tourist traps and family happiness.
It takes a stubborn family to stay close to home for vacation these days. We live in the age of “Top 10 Luxury Resorts on Jupiter,” and “Four Caves in Remote Nepal You Must Sleep in Before You Die.” Tell friends you’re going to Cave of the Winds for spring break instead, and you’ll get the raised eyebrows.
You mean that schlocky place with all the billboards near Colorado Springs? A couple of doors down from the fake cliff dwellings? Around the corner from the fake North Pole amusement park? Yeah, that one.
We didn’t feel like flying again, frankly. Support your local tourist traps, was our motto. My family of five and our intrepid travel partners, a family of three, vowed to investigate every rock shop, every fudge stand, every “Get Your Photo Taken Here” in the wide shadow of Pike’s Peak.
Guess what? We had one of the most enlightening, pleasant, hassle-free vacations we’ve enjoyed in years. From the secluded hills overlooking Seven Falls to the biscuit-snarfing giraffes of the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo, we got in touch with our inner rubbernecker. And loved every minute of it. – Michael Booth
GARDEN OF THE GODS
Driving down from the north on a sunny Saturday, Garden of the Gods beckoned. When was the last time you actually stopped at the GotG to look around?
There’s a reason for the name – drop just one or two of these magnificent red rocks into any of half the states in the union, and it would immediately become the biggest attraction. Everywhere you look in Garden of the Gods, you’ll find that magical trio of blue sky, red earth and green forest that gives the West its certain something.
Don’t avoid the Central Garden just because it’s crowded. Hello: There’s a reason it’s crowded.
A stroll past the Kissing Camels, Pulpit Rock and Twin Spires pulls the eye in all directions. Yes, you will be wandering amid a sea of humanity – roll with it. Listen for a half-dozen different languages. Count how many times someone offers you a cold drink from their cooler; let your toddler pet their dogs. Being friendly to strangers is a vacation trick you can practice anywhere.
CAVE OF THE WINDS
Bright and early the next morning, we rousted the kids for Cave of the Winds. The gift shop that covers the cave’s face is terribly misleading, all coffee mugs and unwearable T-shirts and constant tour announcements. But get behind the 200 million-year- old limestone, and the trappings fall away. The cave is truly stunning, and if you’re lucky you’ll get a guide who makes his oft-repeated anecdotes sound fresh. Our favorite vacation phrase: “cave bacon,” a wavy band of stalactite that resembles an elegant slab of Hormel’s finest.
MANITOU SPRINGS
Leaving Cave of the Winds, cross U.S. 24 and park in downtown Manitou Springs, a quirky mash-up of Nederland, Boulder and Atlantic City.
Cactus shops vie with pottery and glass stores; the bohemian coffeehouse sits cater- corner from the staid and delicious greasy spoon called The Dutch Kitchen.
Manitou is dotted by renovated fountains bubbling with water from featuring the old mineral springs that first attracted visitors in the 1820s. Bring a cup, or take my word – they all taste like my dad’s baking soda-and- warm-water cure for heartburn.
Searching for various fountains leads to the kids begging for quarters: the core of downtown is a series of amusement shops Skee-Ball and other insidious money-eaters. The prizes are dusty (Memo to management: Rotate stuffed bears near windows frequently to avoid faded fur), and you might spend $3,000 for enough tickets to win a $3 transistor radio. But hey, we’re on vacation!
We settled on The Dutch Kitchen for lunch, and thank goodness we’d been to Cave of the Winds first: Rubbing one legendary stretch of cave bacon wins you 15 seconds of good luck, and mine came when the waitress told me my order of the mythical chocolate pie was the last piece in the café.
NO NORTH POLE
We would have headed west again after lunch, to take on the North Pole amusement park up the hill. Alas – insert false regret here – it doesn’t open for the season until May 20.
I can, however, speak from previous painful experiences that your kids will love it, and you can’t leave the Manitou area without giving it a try.
Yes, “Santa’s Workshop” can feel like buying an admission ticket to an overpriced store. But the old-style rides and hokey gift huts are nestled beneath aromatic pines in the cool shadow of Pike’s Peak, giving respite to all the fathers waiting impatiently for their credit cards to return to the nest. The Vaudeville- ready magic show is a treat for even the despairing skeptic.
GOLDEN BEE
Exhausted by your tolerance, you may now retreat back to Colorado Springs for beer and good cheer at the Golden Bee Pub. Owned by the Broadmoor, the pub is an authentic British drinking house disassembled and brought to America decades ago by entrepreneurs.
You can enjoy the pressed-tin ceiling when you tip back the 3-foot tall glasses of beer sold by the Golden Bee as “a yard.”
Be sure to ingest plenty of hearty shepherd’s pie and chicken pot pie to soak up some of the hops. And be wary of “friends” who can claim they finished their “yard” only after pouring beer into your empty glass when you aren’t looking. After a few rounds of this game, I would have slugged my “friend” Peter, if I hadn’t been seeing double.
CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN ZOO
Our next morning’s excursion was the renowned Cheyenne Mountain Zoo, sprawled up and down the pine-covered hillside within view of all those secretive NORAD antennaes. The zoo is rightly famous for its Primate World, playful meerkats and elephant playground.
But what you really want to do is the one thing no other zoos let you: Feed the biggest animals you can find. A buck will buy you four giraffe-friendly biscuits at the elevated Rift Valley exhibit, and the hungry hightops lean right over the fence into your lap in search of what sits on your Ritz.
Our scientific observation: Their tongues are HUGE. Even bigger than a python! Watch your sunglasses, too, because these slobbering stars of the safari will leave your lenses slimed every time.
GREAT SKATES
Worn out by the hike up the zoo’s mountain, the kids revolted at this point and demanded pool time at the hotel. If you’re not yet weary, head back toward the Broadmoor for another public attraction, the U.S. Figure Skating Museum and Hall of Fame. Trust me, you’ll have the place to yourself. A little of Scott Hamilton goes a long way, but there is some cool stuff amid all the spandex. At the very least, when your wife forces you to sit through another Winter Olympics full of incomprehensible triple Salchows, all is explained here.
PIKES PEAK
Tuesday was nature day. Not too granola- crunchy, mind you. You think your average tourist hikes the 16 miles up to Pikes Peak? Well, we didn’t feel like it either. We did forgo the obvious Seven Falls trap and take the next street over, North Cheyenne Canyon. The road leads to a parking spot at the Mount Cutler Trail, and a steep, glorious 1-mile hike to a magnificent overlook. To the west is an unobstructed view of Pikes Peak, and the rolling miles of forest shoulders that build up to the summit; to the east is a brilliant view of the city, Garden of the Gods and the far plains. Plus, you can look down on the poor suckers who climbed the easy stairs at Seven Falls, and feel briefly superior.
CLIFF HOUSE
We splurged for dinner that night, back in Manitou Springs. No, not at The Dutch Kitchen. At the Cliff House, for a romantic dinner at the best restaurant south of Monument Hill. The Cliff is pricey, but the setting is incomparable, on the ground floor of a lodge that offers four-star rooms in addition to the multi-star food. Take time for the wine list, and the dessert list, and accept at least one from each.
OLD COLORADO CITY
On Departure Day, we couldn’t bring ourselves to leave our newfound tourist haven. So we didn’t. One last overhyped attraction called our name. Old Colorado City promised tumbleweeds and leather-fringed tourist canteens.
But once again, we were charmed out of our smelly walking socks. The three-block village-within-a-city combines Boulder’s Pearl Street Mall with a dustier Southwest, boasting unique shops and inviting sidewalk restaurants. A couple of fine baby shops had the women in our party reconsidering childbirth, which meant it was high time for lunch. The sunny patio at BonTon’s Cafe offered breezy eats, and the breakfast burrito “served all day” had just the right amount of heat for a breezy spring afternoon.
There was nothing left to do but go home. And congratulate each other that we didn’t have to get on an airplane to do so.
We may head back for a September fling; after all, think of what we didn’t see! The Cliff Dwellings. The Cog Railway. Florissant Fossil Beds.
And at least a dozen fudge stands.
The Colorado Springs Tourist Trap, it is a gilded cage, indeed.
