Q: I recently married the man I fell in love with in high school. Until I got married, he made the attempt to get along with my mother, even though they don’t see eye to eye on ANYTHING. Unfortunately, since my wedding, he has not even attempted to communicate with my family.
For example, my mother did a burrito bar for my birthday, and when I ask him to come, he said, “absolutely not.” Forgive me, but I thought he was joking. It was my night and I believed he would show. He didn’t even call. I told my parents that he had to work late, so I wouldn’t have to deal with any questions.
Now I have made attempts to talk to him about this, and I have expressed the fact that I understand that he doesn’t like her, but for God’s sake, we live with his mom and I have always made an attempt to get along with his family, even though they REALLY piss me off.
I know this shouldn’t upset me as much as it does, but I always feel caught in the middle, and holidays are becoming unbearable. Any suggestions on how I should try this subject again?
Because if it doesn’t get resolved, I will be watching my marriage get flushed down the toilet over something that is fairly small in the whole scheme of things. Thanks
SCOTT: Poor you. You were reduced to the misery of providing excuses for your no-show husband. While it’s not a huge deal that he wasn’t there, it really does matter and you can probably look forward to more disappointment unless you can get lazybones to start working on his insensitivity problem.
It was your birthday and should’ve mattered to him because it mattered you, despite his feelings for your mom. Get it? I know you do but he doesn’t. If he did, he would’ve been there.
Ok, so what we need for him to learn is that compromise is a vital element in relationships and that he could stand to compromise a bit more. Talk to him and tell him some of the concessions you make for him and ask him to start trying to give in sometimes and do things regardless of whether he feels like it, but just because he loves you.
Relationships are give and take, not take and take. He doesn’t have to love your mother but if he really cares about you he’ll get the point and be right there with you at next year’s birthday burrito bar.
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