No one understands when I say, without sarcasm or guilt, that my two TV obsessions are “The Shield” and “7th Heaven.” One is a tough, morally ambiguous world set in the dirty streets of Los Angeles, the other a tough, morally absolute soap set somewhere in evangelical outer space. It’s the full spectrum from physical to mental violence.
I have this anthropological fascination with watching human behavior, so I liken “7th Heaven” to a day at the zoo. When TV gives you access to strange and foreign environments you would never otherwise encounter, you just have to stop and stare in quiet reflection. Well, not really. I watch “7th Heaven” and yell at the TV, mock derisively and laugh until it hurts. Call it an attraction to repulsion.
This strangely subversive serial about a minister, his unhinged wife and their seven bizarro kids likely ends its 10-year run tonight (7 p.m., WB) as the longest-running family drama in history, outlasting “The Waltons” (there has been a late, unlikely push to bring “7H” back to the new CW network).
And it signs off, of course, with a wedding – because all long-running shows must end with a wedding and, by some preordination, all Camden kids must marry by age 20. Simon will be the fourth. Those bratty freak twins are on the clock.
The setting is fictional Glen Oak, Calif., where no real-life issue is taboo (except abortion or homosexuality) and where, if it’s a “very special episode,” a non-white person might even make a fleeting appearance. Take the “Lost Boys of Sudan” episode, in which little Ruthie wanders from her field trip but is “found” by two Lost Boys (get it?) who deliver her safely home. Apparently among the life lessons Ruthie’s parents taught their then-12-year-old daughter: Heck, no, don’t be wary of getting into a car with two strange men.
The Camdens cling to family values that were cool 40 years ago, which makes them like the “Brady Bunch” of the film parodies. Until this season, the Camden parents considered cellphones an instrument of the devil. Yet their kids are bigger public menaces than the Osbournes.
Take daughter Mary (a role that drove Boulder native Jessica Biel to the semi-
nude pages of Gear magazine). Mary was a star athlete whose life went into the toilet when she and her pals toilet-papered the school gym. This heinous act of vandalism cost Mary her scholarship and sent her spiraling. She got busted driving after drinking half a beer, dated a dude older than her dad, and deserted both her kid and her Puerto Rican husband. But most shameful to the family? Mary is a flight attendant.
Even funnier is Simon, who briefly took his eyes off the road while driving and sent a poor bicyclist kid to the “7th Heaven” wrap party in the sky. Turns out this pre-teen was stoned, so of course he got what he deserved. But Simon, racked with guilt, tested out of high school and went to college at 16, where he developed a sexual compulsion and – almost! – a sexually transmitted disease.
Simon’s year of sexual recklessness ended in tears, delivering this classic line into his huggy pop’s arms: “Dad, you were right – sex is frightening and confusing!” He pledged not to have sex again until he got married, which is why this entire final season has been leading to his nuptials. After all, the kid needs some (strictly procreational!) action. But just last week the writers introduced a pregnancy scare indicating Simon ditched his no-sex pledge long ago, so fans and foes alike are wondering, why is he marrying this she-devil Rose anyway?
“7H” has been an odd way station for burgeoning pop stars (Ashlee Simpson, blond and before the fall, ‘N Sync’s Lance Bass and teen pin-up Thomas Dekker.) The latter starred in the most infamous episode in “7H” history, a 2005 Valentine’s Day musical so awful the network promised it would never, ever, air a second time.
“7H” actually has drawn all manner of guest stars, who uniformly lose the ability to act when placed before one of its cameras. The roster includes Laraine Newman, Richard Lewis, Peter Graves, Tim Conway, Ernest Borgnine, Bo Derek, Ed Begley Jr., Melissa Gilbert, Phyllis Diller, Wayne Newton, Eileen Brennan, the Olsen twins and Keri Russell. A search party has been sent for Martha Plimpton, who hasn’t been seen since a guest stint as a teacher with the hots for 17-year-old Martin.
The final season has turned into a product-placement orgy, with “Crest Smile Moments,” and entire episodes dedicated to Oreo cookies (they make you give up your secrets!) and Campbell’s soup.
Some fans will berate me for picking on this show’s best intentions – to bring Christian awareness to social issues such as addictions, hunger, suicide, gang violence, teen pregnancy, homelessness and vandalism.
But just read any “7H” plot summary and tell me it isn’t as trashy as the “O.C.” (“Virgin Martin impregnates Hilary Duff’s slutty older sister on the day he meets her.”)
Homer Simpson believed the answers to all of life’s problems can be found in a bottle or on television. In Glen Oak, the answers to all of life’s problem’s can be found by having … yes, a fundraising car wash!
If reading this angers you, remember I’m not the one who told the twins Santa Claus doesn’t exist. Rose did.
But it sure made me laugh.
Theater critic John Moore can be reached at 303-820-1056 or jmoore@denverpost.com.
