Dear Amy: My ex-wife and I have been divorced for almost seven years. Compared to most divorces, we were very fortunate. We were married just over one year and in that time, the assets to divide were minimal. More important, we did not have any children.
The divorce ended with my ex and her family casting all of the blame on me, and we have not had any contact since that time. In the short time we were married, my ex’s cousin asked us to be godparents for their child, “Mariah.” Unfortunately, because of the way things were left when we divorced, along with my ex’s emotional instability, I broke all ties with her family, including Mariah.
For all these years I have felt guilty about not communicating with her. I pray daily for her and think of her often, as I do with my other godchildren. I have asked several friends and family members for their thoughts on what to do, buy everyone tells me something different.
Some say to send a Christmas and birthday gift each year, but I know that isn’t the true meaning of being a godparent. Others have said to leave well enough alone. Do I risk opening a can of worms to be able to see and/or talk with Mariah, not knowing how her family will react, or do I let it go?
– Confused Godparent
Dear Confused: The role of godparent is carried out in a variety of ways, owing to your faith practice, home culture and basic temperament. Some godparents contact their “kids” on Christmas and birthdays while others are like my daughter’s godfather, Kirk, who is deeply involved in her life, contacts her often, and signs every letter and note, “Da Godfaddah.” The only way for you to get some answers here would be to contact Mariah’s parents and to ask them if they would permit you to have a role in her life. Do not contact this young girl directly – that would be confusing and disrespectful. You have to respect their wishes about this relationship.
In terms of your other godchildren, develop whatever special relationship feels best and most natural to you. For questions regarding the religious aspects of this potentially important relationship, ask your pastor.
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Dear Amy: I am coming late to the whole “guests saying grace” debate in your column. I understand that you have “preached” tolerance and that no one agreed with you.
I am a lifelong agnostic, and in religious discussions I have little patience for true believers of any stripe; but I take seriously the greeting extended to a houseguest that “my house is your house.” Clearly, saying grace before meals is as vital to some people as washing their hands. Encouraging them to say grace is not just tolerant, it is respectful. It is the host who refuses to indulge the devout guest who is being rude, not the guest.
– Paul in California
Dear Paul: Yes, I did “preach” religious tolerance, and no, no one agreed with me.
The flood of mail disagreeing with my stand on this came from people who felt very strongly that guests needed to respect the practices (or lack thereof) of their hosts and that for people to openly pray in a home where prayer is not welcome was disrespectful.
And you know what? I can see their point, even if I don’t quite agree with it.
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