The best ballparks in the National League for hitting home runs? Back in the day, the first entry would have come easier than the batting practice fastball Todd Helton was about to hit.
But not in the new reality and new season of 2006.
“Cincinnati and Philly, without a doubt,” Helton said.
Next?
“Wrigley Field.”
No. 4?
“Houston, maybe Coors Field. It’s four or five, right in there.”
Coors Field, the fourth- or fifth-best home run yard in the league. I don’t think we’re in Denver anymore, Toto. Not like it used to be, anyway.
Unlike most flyballs hit there these days, Coors Canaveral is long gone. Which brings me to the crux of today’s matter: If ever a ballpark needed a new nickname, it’s Coors Field.
Coors Canaveral? You have to admit, it had a nice ring to it. But those were the days when Barry Bonds fit in a phone booth and Randy Johnson’s fastball could outrun Maurice Clarett in the 40.
Like Kenyon Martin and $3-a-gallon gas, Coors Canaveral has to go. Don’t take my word for it, though. Check out the numbers. Coors Field has served up 38 home runs in two months, tied with Dolphin Stadium in Miami for the fewest in the major leagues.
No doubt, part of the power outage can be attributed to the Rockies’ anemic lineup. But if you’ve taken yourself out to the old ballgame lately, you know it’s more than that. The ball just doesn’t jump like it used to. You can see it, sense it, feel it.
If it wasn’t official before, it is now: R.I.P., Coors Canaveral.
Long live Singles R Us Stadium.
Or the Failure To Launch Pad.
Coors Light Field?
Or perhaps Lo (ERA) Do Field. The Rockies do, after all, have a 4.03 home ERA compared with 4.33 in all those hitter’s parks on the road.
Or Coors Failed.
Or One-(Run)-A-Day Multiple Vitamin Park.
Or, in honor of the resident humidor, the Monfort Bros. Ballyard, Brewery & Cigar Emporium.
Of course, there’s always Yellowstone Park South, which is only slightly less likely than the original to give up a dinger.
Or, as politically incorrect as it might sound, Saddam Hussein Field because it, too, has lost its power.
Then there’s my personal favorite, The House That Ruth Bunted In. Why not? The Babe’s granddaughter would like it. She lives here.
If we can’t give Coors Field a new nickname, maybe we can at least get the Rockies’ front office to rename part of the ballpark. The left-field wall, for instance. Maybe they could call it A Fence Too Far.
At any rate, and by any name, you get the picture. Coors Field isn’t Coors Field anymore. And make no doubt, that’s great news for the Rockies and their fans, past and present.
Memo to those longing for the days of the Blake Street Bombers: Get over yourselves. It didn’t work.
It was a fun ride, but it led to a dead end.
Nobody wanted to admit it at the time, what with 45,000 people pouring through the turnstiles every night, but the Rockies always have had a dirty little secret. Playing 12-10 games left them inherently flawed and incapable of winning over the long haul, which, of course, is the very definition of a baseball season.
Their bullpen wore down. Their position players wilted in the heat of four-hour games. Their hitters couldn’t make the adjustment to breaking balls on the road. By July, Broncos training camp was the biggest attraction in town.
No more. The Rockies for the first time in their history are playing real baseball. The theater of the absurd that was
Coors Canaveral has been replaced by an honest-to-goodness ballpark, one that gives pitchers and dugout water coolers a fair chance.
In the end, that’s the most important development of the Rockies’ season. Sure, their record is nice and all, but it’s a footnote compared to the real story.
The real story is this: With Coors Field having finally been tamed, the Rockies may have a future.
Thanks to the wonders of the humidor, altitudeball has given way to a game in which the Rockies don’t have to defy the laws of gravity to win. These days, all they have to do is throw the ball, catch the ball and mix in the occasional timely hit. And if the sky should fall now and then and someone hits one out, that’s fine, too.
No, it isn’t a guarantee for success, but you know what? Thirteen years later, it’s a start.
Catch Jim Armstrong from 6-9 a.m. during “The Press Box” on ESPN 560 AM. He can be reached at 303-820-5452 or jmarmstrong@denverpost.com.
