We’ve offered simple rules for zombie movies and simple rules for horror films.
Time for a new set of suggestions for another genre, Movies Where You Suspect Your Son Might Be the Antichrist.
This week’s remake of 1976’s “The Omen” provides these handy lessons:
1. If you fear your son might bear the mark of the beast, names like Damien are out. Also Jason (see “Friday the 13th”) or Freddy (various “Nightmares”) or Michael, for that matter (see “Halloween”). Try naming the kid Brad. Or Dennis. Very few horsemen of the Apocalypse have been named Tyler.
2.When hiring a nanny for the pint-sized Prince of Darkness, you might want to avoid Mia Farrow. Given her role in “Rosemary’s Baby,” this might not be the best choice for an in-home day-care provider.
3. While acquiring a dog companion for your bad boy, avoid Rottweilers or Dobermans. Buy him a nice teacup poodle. Hounds of Hell has a nice ring to it, but Shih-Tzus of Hell make better pets.
4. If, at your boy’s fifth birthday party, your nanny climbs up on the roof with a noose around her neck and calls his name, don’t look up. Nothing good will come of this.
5. Don’t stand on ladders teetering over three-story atriums when Satan’s Spawn is riding his scooter. Get somebody else to change the light bulb or spritz the hanging planters.
6. To better notice any stray “666” birth marks, keep the lad’s hair cut short. Lord knows with the mop-top haircuts kids sport these days, you’ll never know if it’s the Beast playing your X-Box.
Students of the original, spooky “Omen” will have noticed by now that the remake is almost shot-for-shot prophecy. Screenwriter David Seltzer double-dips with his screenplay, barely updating his 1976 version with cellphones and digital cameras. (Too bad Seltzer never tells us “What’s on Damien’s iPod.” I’m guessing Icelandic death metal, Wagner and a lot of screamo.)
The update is serviceable but fairly bland. Gregory Peck and Lee Remick made a pretty dynamic pair in 1976, but Liev Schreiber and Julia Stiles don’t pack the same ominous wallop. As Damien, Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick does an adequate job of saying “Boo!” just with his eyes.
But horror remakes are tricky. The first time around, we can suspend disbelief and let the general chill answer any lingering questions. When the characters get a do-over 30 years later, we want to shout at them, “Didn’t you see this movie? When the priest says ‘God will forgive this little deception,’ don’t swap babies!”
Which brings us to rule No. 7: Don’t walk near cathedrals during lightning storms.
There. Our work is done. If your second-grader starts assembling the Army of Beelzebub, don’t come crying to us.
Reach Michael Booth at mbooth@denverpost.com; try the “Screen Team” blog at denverpostbloghouse.com
“The Omen” | ** 1/2 RATING
R for profanity, violence, disturbing religious themes|1 hour, 45 minutes|HORROR REMAKE| Directed by John Moore, written by David Seltzer based on his 1976 original screenplay; starring Liev Schreiber, Julia Stiles, Mia Farrow, Pete Postlethwaite and Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick|Opens today at area theaters.
