Dear Amy: I have been with my boyfriend for three years.
The only problem with our relationship is that he hates the thought of marriage and doesn’t want to think about anything that involves the future when it comes to any relationship. Both of my best friends have had long-term boyfriends and both have discussed the future with their men. They have talked about marriage and children, knowing that it is not happening now but that they love each other and, if all goes well, marriage is an option.
I am only 21 and don’t want to get married anytime soon, but it kills me that I can look at him and think, “I’d like to spend the rest of my life with this man,” while I feel as though he looks at me and thinks, “I love her, but I don’t want to commit to anything.” We have talked many times about what we want from life, and I mention that I want a good job, a family and a husband, and he talks about owning his own company. But the thought of having children or a wife is horrible for him.
What should I do? If we are together for another five years or so, I am hoping that we can actually commit to marriage, but from what I have told you, do you think he would do that?
– Hopeful
Dear Hopeful: I don’t know what the future holds for you and your guy, but I do know that when two people have opposing views on marriage, then the person who doesn’t want marriage wins. Either he will successfully duck your ongoing hints and entreaties for several more years before you finally give up on him and move on, or he will give in, marry you and then, several years down the line, tell you that he never wanted to get married and sue you for custody of the kids.
I wish I could reach into your life and tell you to please simmer waaaay down and to enjoy this relationship to its fullest without worrying about marriage, but I well remember being a feverish, marriage-minded 21-year-old and know what a tall order that is.
You’re going to have to talk to him, not to manipulate him into giving you some sort of pre-engagement promise but to learn more about his thinking and his values. Then you’re going to have to do your very best to make a great life for yourself – one that works for you even if he is not ultimately in it.
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Dear Amy: How can I get the men in my household to wear shirts all the time? I don’t like to have half-clothed people in my kitchen or really anywhere around me, unless we are going swimming, boating, etc. I know I sound uptight, but it just seems unsanitary. Also, neither of these boys (my son and my daughter’s boyfriend) is really in shape to wander around without shirts. Shallow? Maybe, but I felt the same way about the previous boyfriend, who looked absolutely lovely without his shirt.
I can understand coming home from work and removing work clothes and changing into comfortable clothing, but please – can we keep our shirts on? I have tried everything from subtle hints to “put a shirt on!” but nothing works.
I’m not even going to go into the “crack” problem. Actually, I solved that one myself by decorating cracks with flowers whenever I saw them peeking out from the waistband; apparently it’s not pleasant to have a daisy stuck in your backside. It was my own urban beautification project and I’m proud! But how to get them to wear shirts?
– Too Much Northern Exposure in Ore.
Dear Too Much: I don’t think it’s shallow to want for men to wear shirts while in your kitchen. There’s a reason Emeril Lagasse wears a shirt while he’s cooking, after all.
But I can’t figure out why you hold so little authority in your home that your daughter’s boyfriend won’t even listen to you. (Your daughter should be interceding on your behalf.) My favorite solution to this issue came from a reader who had demanded, begged and cajoled her teenage son to please wear a shirt when they were headed out the door on an outing. The young man wouldn’t listen, so the mother stripped down to her bra, grabbed her car keys and said, “Well, let’s go!” Her son made tracks up the stairs to find a shirt.
I can’t tell if this would work in your household, but you sound just fed up enough to try.
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