Q: I read your column daily online from work, and I am in need of some advice. I had my son and my daughter when I was still a teenager with a man that had less-than-desirable qualities. He had a drug problem and was abusive, the problem was that I did not find out about these qualities until after I was pregnant with my son, and because my mother had thrown me out of the house, I felt that I had no where else to go, so I stayed with this man on-and-off for 5 years.
We never married, and when I finally got the courage to get out, I never sought out child support, because I could not stand the fact that he may get visitation to them and end up harming them because of his drug addiction and abusive temper.
So I just left things as they were, and I put myself through college, working full time and going to school along with raising 2 children on my own. It has been 10 years, and I have since gotten married to a wonderful man to whom, at first, the lack of child support was not an issue.
However, recently, financial demands have become greater, and it is getting closer to where my oldest child is starting to think about colleges.
My current husband is pressuring me to go to court and get child support, I am still reluctant to do this as the children’s father has recently spent time in prison, and is due to be released anytime now. My children do not know this man, and I am still afraid of him obtaining visitation rights since now I live in Florida, and when he is released he will be going to live in Nevada with family members. With this great of a distance it will be extremely difficult for me to protect my children should something go wrong.
Do you think that it is wrong of me not to pursue this, or do you feel that my husband is right, and that I should just take the chance of the court not giving him visitation rights based on his history because my children are owed the financial support of both parents? I do not see where I will get very much support from this man since obviously he has had no income for the last 5 years being in prison, and probably will have a difficult time securing a job when he gets out.
Sincerely,
– Support-free mom by choice
SCOTT: This may come as a bit of a surprise to your husband but sometimes money isn’t the most important thing and other factors must be considered.
After several years spent distancing yourself from your sperm donor, in addition to how you described his character, contacting him now could be one of the worst decisions you could make.
You’re far better off remaining support-free and not having anything to do with him at all. Trust me on this one, the red flags are all there, plus, he doesn’t have any money, anyway! Give up on your husband’s idea of cashing in on years of back payments and look to other means for the extra income.