Q: My brother died in Iraq a few months ago (both the Rocky Mountain News and Denver Post covered my family’s story in February; my brother was a gunner on the Abrams tank). And I am not looking for condolences or ‘I am sorry’s, as those only make everything worse. I have to deal with the pain on my own and among friends and family. However, there are little things that are unsettling for me, and I would appreciate your advice on them.
First, I hate going to the cemetery. Is that wrong? Every time I have to go there, it reminds me of the pain, and although I am still not ready to move on and I will never forget, it’s far too dreadful to see the grave and to be in a cemetery. I cry every time I go there. Is it wrong to try to avoid this? I think about my brother every day, so it’s not like I want to forget about what happened completely; I just don’t like seeing him like what he has become.
Also, I have been spending a lot of time away from home lately with a friend, who really helps me a lot to ease the pain. I feel guilty sometimes for leaving my family and not supporting them now. I feel like I have been the emotional backbone for my family for the first several weeks, and now it is my time to recharge my strength and receive the support myself. But I still can’t help but think that I should be giving and helping others more. Is that selfish?
I understand that all my questions seem to be of the outside acceptance dependency type, but here is another one. Is it still too soon to go on a trip to another country, which would not necessarily be a vacation, but a fun trip nonetheless? It might be a good distraction, but is it wrong to enjoy oneself this soon after a close family member’s death? A part of me feels resentful of this plan, but another believes it might actually be good for me. I feel very selfish about this, and I don’t know if it’s right.
My mom became a lot more protective of me since what happened, which is understandable, but she will never let me do what I really want to. How do I convince her that the military life is my path too? I know my path is safer than my brother’s because women are not allowed in the combat arms, but she is convinced that anything in the military is dangerous, even if I still have a long way before I even get to fly fighters, let alone go to war in them. Short of just defying her and enlisting, how can I convince her that I need to do this for my life to be complete? I know that, as an only child now, I bear greater responsibility to stay safe and take care of everyone, but I need to convince my mom that I cannot stop living my life.
I know this is a lot to answer, but it’s only part of the things that go through my mind constantly. Thank you for any advice you can give me on this.
SCOTT: I know you didn’t write in seeking condolences but after what you’ve been through, I can’t just be a cold fish and not offer my sympathies to you. I’m sorry, I’ll keep it short, I promise
I am deeply sorry for the loss and pain you and your family have experienced. There, done. Not so bad, right?
It’s not wrong that you don’t want to go to the cemetery. If you’re a spiritual person, you know your brother’s with you no matter where you are and if you change your mind on this later, you know you can always go visit.
Now, the trip. Considering the unquestionably overwhelming pain associated with the loss of a sibling, your desire to escape is quite normal. Selfish? No, it’s just part of your grief process, like many of the other emotions you’ve been feeling lately. More important than going on a trip and/or joining the military right now though is grief counseling. I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s in your best interest to resist the urge to withdraw and put off making any radical lifestyle changes because, well, it’s too soon.
There’s no silver lining in losing your brother but grief counseling will help you cope with your suffering. Also, stay close to your family and friends since it’ll be their love and support that will also be valuable in helping you through this difficult time. I’m also here if you ever need me.
Take care and be well.