Dear Amy: I’m 46, and my wife is 32. We’re expecting our first child in a few weeks and are having problems with my 68-year-old mother.
Mom loves to shop at flea markets and garage sales. I’ve told her many times that I do not want her bringing “gifts” for her soon-to-be granddaughter from these outings. The things she picks up are stained and dirty.
When I point this out, Mom says, “I didn’t have much growing up” and brushes it off.
We’d rather for Mom to bring one nice thing rather than many boxes of secondhand junk, and I’ve told her this repeatedly.
Mom isn’t hurting for money and when shopping for herself buys only the best, yet when shopping for others you can bet that it will be from a yard sale or a clearance table.
Her last visit during a holiday weekend resulted in a nasty departure and a lot of hard feelings when she revealed to my wife that she didn’t even know what my first word was.
(She dumped me on her parents who raised me while she was busy working and dating a long string of much older men.) How can I stop her, short of cutting off future relations with her granddaughter?
New Dad
Dear Dad: Well, it’s clear that you’re spoiling for a fight, and whether it’s over flea market toys or your mother forgetting your first word – you sound determined to have it.
The prospect of your own fatherhood might have brought on some strong feelings about your mother’s parenting, but the way to address these issues is not through your baby daughter.
Using her birth as an excuse to become estranged from your mother is not the answer. You’ll have to deal with your mother directly about your own childhood.
Her reaction might not be satisfying, but you should try.
Your mother sounds very challenging. She might have a health issue that is affecting her actions and her memory. Failing that as a reason, you should do your best to tolerate her – within the FIRM AND FAIR boundaries that you and your wife will establish. Give your mother an opportunity to be a better grandmother than she was a mother. The flea market stuff that comes in the front door can go right out the back door. Relationships shouldn’t be so disposable.
…
Dear Amy: Regarding the sixth-grade boy who wrote to you because he likes to hang out with girls, he could use a good comeback line for the other boys who make fun of him.
When my son was a figure skater and was a member of an all-girl (except for him) team, the hockey players would get on his case.
Finally he turned to a group of them and said, “Hey, I’m the one hanging out with all the cool babes.” I don’t think they ever said much to him after that.
– Proud Mom
Dear Mom: Sometimes, a graceful comeback beats a slick slap shot.
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