Q: Scott, I am a faithful reader and love your column….keep up the great work! I can’t say that I am “glad” to have something to write to you about, but here goes….
I have an ex whom I was with for years. I left some months ago. Since that time, I had found out that he had started dating someone whom he met online within a week or so of when I left. I was told that the relationship was very serious however, when I was on the online site for my own purposes….his profile was still up. I mentioned that to him, and it was promptly taken off the site. In the profile there were plenty of lies and things that were definitely not true….unless in the couple weeks after I had left, he had managed to get a masters degree, go to Mexico, and learn a second language. I should mention that this is not some young teenager playing some tricks….we are all in our 30s.
Anyway, I have now heard that the new couple is getting married in a couple months. In some ways, this is great, as he will not be on my case anymore, but in other ways, I feel very badly for this girl that he is deceiving. I have found out from relatives of his, that they have been threatened not to mention to the new girl that I only left a couple of months ago and to not mention me at all, because the new girl has no idea about me. I’m a therapist in my job and I can’t help but feel for this new girl.
We have mutual friends and also I do keep in touch with his relatives. In some ways, I feel that they have a responsibility to let this girl know the situation as it really is. In other ways, I know that that may not be their responsibility. What would you say?
Also impacting the situation are two other things. I believe that he is setting the new engagement ring in my old setting. What would I do if I saw them and saw that? Also, the fact that this new woman has a very young child.
I guess my questions are these: Should I say something if I see them and see that she has my old engagement ring on? Should his relatives or our friends warn this girl even though they do not know her well? Should I just let things lie and see how everything unfolds?
Thanks, Scott
– “Up in the air” in Golden
Your responsibility with him ended with the breakup. Why do you care so much about this new woman? You don’t know her and it’s not your job to patrol his love life. Let the cards fall where we know they will and don’t get involved. You have your own life to live anyway, right?