Dear Amy: When my husband and I started dating, we laid out our goals right away. We both wanted marriage and children. We had both recently gotten out of relationships because our partners didn’t want the same things out of life as we did, and we didn’t want that to happen again. I have an 8-year-old daughter already, and he has 8-year-old twins who live in another state, but we both want more children in our lives.
Before that can happen, he needs to get a vasectomy reversal, and due to the high cost he keeps pushing the timing back.
Considering how blunt we both were about wanting more children, is it unreasonable for me to tell my husband that if we don’t have our kids in the next four or five years then I don’t want to? I feel that if I do this it will be an ultimatum and worse, a bait and switch.
I want to have more babies, but I don’t want to wait forever because he refuses to get the surgery without having the $6,000 cash in hand first.
I don’t see anything wrong with paying off medical bills over time, but he says it’s ridiculous to have debt when you can save the money first. Should I give up the freedom of an empty nest before 60, or should I just tell him that I want to have my children before 35?
– Charlene
Dear Charlene: The decision to have children isn’t one conversation. It’s many conversations. Of course this discussion will change shape over time, as it should.
It seems strange that you and your husband were able to be so open about your desires before you married but are bobbing and weaving now.
Has it occurred to you that your husband might be hiding behind the high cost of this vasectomy reversal as a way to forestall having more children? His ideas and goals could have changed or evolved, just as yours have.
Putting a timeline on your decision to have children isn’t unreasonable. Saying that you want to have another baby before 35, but not after, isn’t an ultimatum – it’s an honest appraisal of where you see your life headed.
Talk to your husband about this. Having children together is the most important and high-impact thing the two of you will ever do together. This decision deserves another conversation, and another one after that.
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Dear Amy: What is the correct policy on drop-in visits? Friends, often with their kids, drop by my house without warning, expecting to visit.
– Don’t Call Me, I’ll Call You
Dear Don’t Call: The correct policy is whatever policy you choose to adopt and enforce. When people drop in and you can’t have visitors at that time, it’s fine to say, “Gosh, I’m so sorry. I wish you had called because this isn’t a good time.” You don’t have to offer excuses or explanations.
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