Dear Amy: My girlfriend and I have different opinions on this subject.
We were at a bar, and a male friend of hers was seated next to her. He placed his arm around her back and engaged in a three-way conversation with her and another lady.
In the process, he began to rub her back. He later started stroking her upper arm.
I felt his actions were inappropriate and had sexual overtones. She said that his actions did not have sexual overtones.
Is it OK for a man to have his arm around another man’s girlfriend while engaged in a conversation? Is rubbing her back and stroking her arm a sexual overture? Am I overreacting?
– Confused
Dear Confused: The most important thing is how these gestures made you feel, and how you and your girl are reacting to your feelings.
I notice that during all of this bar-side cozying, you were left off to the side, looking on. Your girlfriend should realize that not including you in the conversation is rude and, in this case, has left the door open for behavior that makes you uncomfortable.
Your girl can handle another person’s physical attention by saying, “Oh, ‘Confused’ told the funniest story last night. Honey come here, and join us!” Then she should make a space for you to stand near her so that she can put her arm around your back and include you in the conversation.
If the two of you are going to succeed as a couple, each of you should go out of your way to make the other feel comfortable and secure.
…
Dear Amy: Frequently people write to you about their spouses gaining weight.
The normal response is that one should love a mate for who they are and not nag him/her about losing weight. I am sure the people writing love their spouses but are dismayed that their mates are no longer “attractive” to them.
On the other hand, the overweight half of the pair writes to you complaining that their spouses are not as physically affectionate as they once were. The people who have gained the weight can lose it if they have some self-discipline, but the thinner partner cannot fake a passion they do not feel.
It seems that everyone takes the side of the heavier partner and faults the thinner for being “shallow.” I wish that someone would point out to the heavier person that he or she is the only one who can remedy the situation.
– Kathie Rauch
Dear Kathie: When I answer these letters, I do point out that only the person with the weight problem can remedy the situation. That’s the whole point. People put on weight for a variety of reasons (including health problems) and may develop eating disorders as a way to exert some control over themselves and others. For instance, a spouse who isn’t comfortable being intimate with her partner might put on weight as a way of creating distance from that person.It’s complicated.
…
Dear Amy: I read “Mark’s” letter regarding women asking men out, and I had to comment. I had been attending a church in my area for several years, and I was divorced with grown children with no intent of having another relationship.
Well, I was on my way home, and I saw another congregant getting into his car. I turned to my sister and said, “There’s my next husband.” I went home, called him up and asked him if he would like to go out to brunch some Sunday. The rest, as they say, is history. We will be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary next year.
– Val Stackhouse
Dear Val: Many times I have spied someone and said, “There’s my next husband,” only to have him turn out not to be my next husband after all. But I’m so happy that this worked for you!
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