Dear Amy: I am a retired U.S. Navy man – still working.
I work the graveyard shift, midnight to 8 a.m. My wife works 9 to 5.
When I get home, I do the usual “husband chores,” such as mowing the lawn.
I also do the majority of household duties – laundry, making beds, cleaning the bathrooms, etc., simply because I prefer my high standards.
My hobby and passion is cooking, and I make all of the meals. I have a very upscale set of cookware, which I am protective of.
Consequently, I also do all of the dishes.
My reason for writing is this: I drink about a six-pack of beer a day. I do not drink hard alcohol at all, but because I work the graveyard shift, I begin my “evening” at 8 a.m.
My family says that I am an alcoholic and insists that I should seek counseling.
After heated arguments over whether beer alone makes me an alcoholic, I have looked into “recovery” programs. But all of them have at their very core the insistence that you accept God into your life before you can begin to “recover.” Amy, I am an agnostic. Terms such as “faith” and “God” are fascinating topics for intellectual debate, but they have no relevance or impact on my daily life.
The insistence on seeking alcoholic counseling is becoming a daily argument of increasing escalation. My wife has even used the words “separation” and “divorce” in recent days.
I love her and my family, but it’s just beer! If I quit beer, I am going to find something else, such as drugs or hard stuff, so that’s not the easy answer.
– Conflicted in Portland
Dear Conflicted: If your drinking is causing problems, then you have a “drinking problem.” Clearly, you are a gentleman who loves to be in control of every aspect of your environment.
But recovery is partly about admitting that you are not in control.
That’s the thinking behind “surrendering to a higher power.” Is that “higher power” God? Not for you. Perhaps that power is a tiny kernel deep within you that will give you the courage to relax your standards and let someone else make the beds and wash your cookware and permit you to admit that you have a problem.
When you say that it’s either beer or some other alcohol or drug, then you are saying that you have a need that can’t be washed away, vacuumed or smoothed over like pristine bed sheets.
There is a world of help out there for you, and if a 12-step program doesn’t fit you, then find an individual counselor who will work with you.
Alcoholics Anonymous has a chapter of “The Big Book” called “We Agnostics.” A downloadable version is available on the AA website: aa.org). Click on “The Big Book.”
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Dear Amy: As a full-fledged geezer myself (I’m 64), I’m with you on the geezerhood issue. In fact, my wife and I have been discussing starting a website called “Codgers and Crones,” devoted to sharing geezer stories and other joys of advancing age.
– Peter in Ithaca, N.Y.
Dear Peter: My recent thrashing for calling older parents “geezers” (people, I was joking!) has brought out the pro-geezer patrol.
Thank you one and all.
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