Dear Amy: I have a problem with my neighbor. We talk a lot and have shared information about our families. One thing I shared with her is that my son has ADHD. One of her daughters is very mean to my son.
My neighbor said she told her daughter about my son’s ADHD. She said she thought if her daughter knew about it, she would be more understanding. Her daughter is 8. I’m furious.
My son prefers that no one know about the ADHD. My neighbor doesn’t see anything wrong with what she did.
I feel she should have asked me before she talked to her daughter. I want to confront this neighbor. My husband says to just drop it. Do you think I’m blowing this out of proportion? I certainly won’t be telling her anything personal anymore.
– Furious
Dear Furious: I’m with your husband. I gather that when you disclosed this condition to your neighbor, you didn’t also ask her to keep this private. I can understand her actions in disclosing this to her daughter. She might have been trying to get her daughter to be more understanding of your son’s differences and challenges.
All the same, you are right to be more circumspect with this neighbor. Some people seem to tell their children everything.
You should focus your energy on helping your son to navigate well in the world. He will run across his share of mean people in his life, but if you work with him to develop strategies to deal with them, these encounters will be easier for him. His ADHD shouldn’t be an embarrassment but a fact of life that will present some interesting challenges (and maybe some blessings) to him as he grows.
For now, he should avoid this girl as much as possible.
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Dear Amy: My wife and I have a young woman working for us in our home. We have seen signs that she has bulimia.
We’ve noticed large quantities of (mostly) junk food gone in a single day and evidence of repeated purging in the bathroom, among other things.
We have never mentioned this to her and wonder whether we should talk to her about it. How should we approach the subject? Our real concern is her well-being and how she can be supported in confronting her problem. Should we bring up this issue? If so, how?
– Chris
Dear Chris: You don’t say, but perhaps this young person is a nanny or au pair working and living in your home. If so, you bear some responsibility for her health and well-being, and you should broach this difficult topic in a concerned and honest way with her.
She might be depressed or homesick, and this could be one symptom of her emotional state.
You could start by doing some research. A useful website devoted to research and treatment is bulimiaguide.org. There is a checklist of “do’s” and “don’t’s” for talking with someone who you suspect suffers from bulimia. Among the “do’s” is to be kind and patient, and to listen. Don’t accuse someone of having this disorder. This conversation should take place calmly, quietly and one-on-one. Tell her that you are worried about her health and that you would like to help her set up a doctor’s appointment. Don’t counter her if she denies having an eating disorder (she probably will), but say that you care about her and want her to be healthy.
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