Dear Amy: I am a 53-year-old public-relations professional who works in an Internet business of approximately 150 people.
We recently were nominated for an award locally that recognized my work over the past year. It was quite an honor. For the finalists’ cocktail reception, two of us were invited.
Because the company that nominated us knew our CFO, he agreed to go with me. I asked if we could ride together, as it’s an hour away – and though I’ve been here a year, I didn’t know the CFO and wanted to get acquainted.
We had a lovely time and learned a lot about each other’s background. We made the finals.
Now, we’re up for the regional award. The GM, whom I know well through work, wanted to go with me. Again, I asked if we could ride together. I thought that it would be a great way to get to know this person, who after all is our company spokesman.
Because I am overweight and clearly not a “babe” and always conduct myself professionally, I saw nothing wrong with this, but my co-workers say it was inappropriate for me to ask the GM, as he’s a married man. Was I wrong?
– Deborah
Dear Deborah: Your weight, age and babe-appeal have nothing to do with this. If professional people of opposite sexes can’t attend business events together and travel together to professional conclaves, commerce in this country is going to grind to a halt.
. . .
Dear Amy: Speaking as a professional therapist, self-help author and parent of four wonderful and responsible children, you are off the mark in your reply to “Want to Do Right,” whose 17-year-old daughter announced that she was drinking beer with friends.
This mom is right when she says that the kids will go underground with their drinking and the most critical way a parent can influence a child is to keep the communication lines open.
When my own son admitted at the same stage that he had experimented with marijuana, the discussion that ensued consisted of an exploration of how people sometimes deceive themselves and how to know when an innocuous experimentation can drift into addiction.
I agree with you that this mom needs to keep the conversation with her daughter evolving. If she were my client, I’d have many suggestions on how to create those conversations so that she could positively influence the development of her daughter’s good judgment.
Threats close conversations.
If a child doesn’t have a good head on his or her shoulders by 17, trying to force good judgment and values on that kid will almost surely backfire.
– Mitch Bobrow, LCSW
Dear Mitch: You left something out of your thoughtful assessment of this mother’s problem. At no point do you suggest that this parent should tell her daughter not to drink! I think that this is outrageous.
I love the idea of discussing choices with kids in a thoughtful and loving way. But if parents who don’t approve of drinking never bother to say, “And by the way, this choice is a poor one and if you make this choice there will be consequences – for you and for our family,” then we parents are neglecting a basic duty of parenting – which is to be clear about our own values.
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