Dear Amy: My husband is constantly leering at me and groping me – at least that’s the way it seems to me. He would say that he is giving me loving attention and caresses.
I was molested by a great-uncle as a young girl. He would sneak up and “feel” me anywhere he could, and I’d catch him spying on me. He eventually did worse things to me. I know that is why I can’t stand for my husband to walk up behind me and start feeling my breasts or, for that matter, doing anything sexual.
I can’t take a shower without him looking at me and making remarks. I can’t change my shirt in front of him, and I no longer wear shorts because of his groping and remarks.
During our entire 15-year marriage, I have talked to him about how I feel and why I feel the way I do.
I was married before – my first husband did not make me feel this way, so I know that all men are not like this. He died of a heart attack when I was 32, and he left me with three young kids.
My husband is wonderful, except for what I have mentioned here. He has told me that he is not my uncle – that his intentions are not what my uncle did to me – and that I am taking it the wrong way.
He has also said that I am not a child and that I need to get over it! He doesn’t believe in counseling. Believe me, I have tried to get him to go.
– Just About Had It
Dear Had It: I don’t know whether your husband needs counseling, but you definitely do. Sexual abuse is a crime that continues to hurt long after the perpetrator is gone. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse sometimes suffer from post- traumatic stress disorder many years after the fact.
I can’t tell if your husband is crossing the line, but the important thing is how you feel and what you do. You need professional help to assist you with what happened when you were a child, the sudden loss of your first husband, and your sexual feelings and perceptions right now.
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Dear Amy: My mother-in-law, “Joan,” has a 100-pound German shepherd (“Princess”) that is very hard for her to control. The dog is skittish, jumps on people, has bitten several adults and frightens my 3-year-old. My 5-year-old is less intimidated and likes Princess, but she could literally knock him off his feet in a show of enthusiasm. So far I have insisted that the dog not be loose in her house when we come to visit.
Joan is 72 and lives alone. I’m concerned about her safety, too, because Princess (despite Joan’s having taken her for obedience training) pulls hard on her leash and could pull Joan over if she takes off after a cat. Joan waves off such concerns. Then she said that it’s our fault, because if we would let Princess loose in her house when we came over, the dog would learn more about “socializing” with people. She also said that my fears for the kids are silly.
I still said no, and she is acting very hurt about it. What do you think?
– A Dog Lover
Dear Dog Lover: It isn’t your job to personally “socialize” a 100-pound German shepherd. You would be doing your mother-in-law a good deed if you hired a trainer to come to the house and work with the dog.
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