Q: My husband is a workaholic. We have been married for 13 years, and he has been in business for himself three different times for 11 of them. He doesn’t know how to spend time with the family without feeling guilty about not being at work.
We’re hardly ever alone, and I don’t think he realizes how this has affected our relationship. I have recently started going out with girlfriends because I don’t want to bother him. I am tired of telling him that we need to get out and do things together because our relationship is suffering.
I can’t even say the self-employment is worth it. It barely pays for our basic bills, and there is never any extra money to have fun with our three young children. I also am employed full time and am a very frugal person.
Am I being selfish because I want my husband around?
Catherine: There’s nothing wrong with wanting your husband around, but why would he want to hang out with someone who criticizes him and focuses on his inadequacies?
Your husband may be a workaholic because he has more confidence in his work than he does in spending time with you. He needs to be appreciated for his commitment to provide for the family. Have you let him know specific ways he can meet your emotional and relational needs – not as demands, but as information?
If he feels guilty about not being at work, that may mean he carries a huge responsibility to provide monetarily for the family, but that he also feels inadequate. The big question for you to ask yourself (and maybe him) is, What are you doing to contribute to his sense of adequacy? Building him up and encouraging him is the best thing you can do.
Lily: Catherine suggests that you appreciate what he does rather than what he does not do, but I think appreciation is a two-way street.
Does he appreciate how you have taken care of the kids and contributed to the household income?
Does he appreciate that you and the family need some time together to relax and have fun? If the two incomes “barely pay basic bills,” then perhaps you need to re-evaluate this before anything else.
Financial responsibility will leave more room for recreational thoughts. Once finances are in order schedule family nights where you all go bowling. You should also schedule date nights at the movies for just the two of you. This can work if the two of you meet each other halfway.
Danny: Selfish? It depends. Have your feelings toward his situation changed in 13 years? When you met this man, was he more of an entrepreneur, a free spirit, and in total control of his future? Who has changed here, you or him?
I agree that balance is essential for the sake of the relationship and the well-being of the little ones. Together, plan a discussion regarding the future – the bills, insurance, college, etc. Sometimes a little black ink exposes the red of any financial situation. Avoiding fiscal and emotional bankruptcy is a must-do for both of you.
Neither of you can be accused of being selfish if your plan of action ensures the safety and the future of your family.
Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail your questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send your letters to Consejos, care of Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202.
