Dear Amy: My husband “Steve” and I have been happily together for nearly 15 years.
We agreed that we didn’t want children. Unfortunately, his parents had been suppressing a strong desire for grandchildren and are very sad that it looks as if they won’t have any. (Steve is an only child.)
I am concerned that my choice to not have children may ultimately come up against his slow weakening in the face of this deep sorrow.
Amy, they don’t even want to spend time with us because it reminds them that they will never have grandchildren.
What is the best way for us to interact with them if/when they come back into our lives?
– Was Happy a Minute Ago
Dear Was Happy: One challenge of adulthood (and elderhood) is management of expectations and disappointments.
You and your husband should sit down with them and restate your decision, acknowledging how difficult this is for them. Say that you hope they can find a way to accept it.
Many people get “broody” as they get older; one remedy is to spend time with children – your in-laws could volunteer at a day care, tutor children, or visit and play with kids who are in extended hospital stays.
Finding a way to satisfy their desire to have grandchildren is their job – not yours.
…
Dear Amy: Your advice to “Frustrated,” regarding her husband’s refusal to do housework properly, was utterly abysmal.
Refusing to finish the job – leaving dishes unwashed, furniture and rugs out of place, etc. – is the same passive-aggressive trick children use to get out of chores. It should be dealt with the same way.
It doesn’t take two X chromosomes or “high standards” to finish the dishes, put back furniture and rugs after vacuuming or put away the laundry, and it shouldn’t take Frustrated’s constant attention and reminders.
If “Frustrated” refuses to let up the pressure, her husband will complain that she’s being an unreasonable old nag for expecting him to act like a responsible adult, and if she does let up, he gets to continue being childish and stick her with all the grinding, constant work.
I recommend a firm conversation in which Frustrated points all this out to her husband, and if his behavior doesn’t change, dump him.
Life’s too short.
– K, in Illinois
Dear K: Many readers loathed my advice to “Frustrated,” which was to “re-examine the chore wheel” in their house. I would hope that with some compromises, both parties might be able to work out how these chores can get done – to an agreed-upon standard.
Partners should sit down and agree on what makes a job “complete.” For instance, when you do the laundry, the chore isn’t completed until the clothes come out of the dryer and are folded. Must they be put away? Maybe not. This is the sort of thing couples should talk about and agree upon.
Your advice that “Frustrated” should dump her husband because he doesn’t do household chores up to her standard shows that you don’t place much value on marriage.
…
Dear Amy: I enjoy your column, especially your ability to choose when to use the velvet glove or the iron fist.
You might be interested in something a wise man once told me.
He had lost his wife of many years and was starting to date again. One of our mutual friends asked him, not entirely in jest, if he saw this as a time to find a younger woman.
“Oh, no,” he replied. “They don’t know the songs.” To me, that says it all.
– Blake Anderson
Dear Blake: “Knowing the songs” is as succinct and beautiful an expression of basic compatibility as I can think of.
If you know the songs, doing the dance is easy.
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