Dear Amy: I am a recently divorced woman with a 5-year- old daughter.
My ex-husband has regular visitation with our daughter and is helping to raise her.
The marriage did not work out because he was verbally and physically abusive.
He talks over me and interrupts me, and he dismisses my questions and concerns. He is a verbal bully.
How can I communicate with my ex-husband without feeling as if I just went to war?
– Verbally Exhausted
Dear Exhausted: I’m wondering if your daughter is safe being partly raised by someone who is verbally and physically abusive. Even witnessing verbal and physical abuse puts your daughter at risk.
I realize that at this point you probably think that couples counseling is quite beside the point, but thoughtful counseling and mediation will help both of you to develop and maintain a cordial relationship. If he won’t attend, then you should go anyway.
Your ex needs to learn more appropriate ways of expressing his thoughts and feelings; you could learn techniques for recognizing and defusing tension.
Your local department of social services could hook you up with family counseling.
…
Dear Amy: I am very proud of my 30-year-old son. Unfortunately, he has a serious relationship with a single mother with whom I have a problem.
This mother is leaving her only young child in the care of her ex-husband and moving two states away to live with my son. My mother abandoned me when I was a young child, and I find it extremely difficult to deal with the fact that my son is serious with a young woman who is abandoning her child.
Do you have some thoughts as to how I might be able to learn to deal with this?
– Deeply Saddened
Dear Saddened: It isn’t always a good idea to speak one’s mind – especially when it comes to commenting on someone else’s choice of partner. But in this case, I think that it would be helpful to everyone if you had your say – without making any sweeping negative statements (i.e., “I never want to have anything to do with that woman.”). You don’t say whether you have met your son’s girlfriend, but you should make a point of meeting her. Be as neutral and nonjudgmental as you can be.
After meeting her, you should write down your reactions, focusing on your own experience and feelings. Remember that nothing you say will change what this woman has done. Give yourself several days before you send this letter to your son – alienating him will not be good for any of you.
Judith Viorst offers wisdom for people dealing with questions of loss, sadness and acceptance. You would benefit from reading her book “Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow” (1998, Free Press).
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
