Dear Amy: It has been less than a year (10 1/2 months), and my new husband isn’t living up to what I expected. We live in a rural area, and “Jimmy” does not have a driver’s license.
He is 35 years old and has never had a driver’s license.
During the four years we dated, he always said he would “get around to it” but never did. I told him after he proposed that I wouldn’t marry him unless he got his license. He promised he would, but he kept blowing it off, until all of a sudden it was time for our wedding. I know I should have stuck to my guns, but I didn’t want to waste all that money and let down our families.
Now, another year has passed and still no license! When I ask, he gets angry. I have said, “If you are scared, tell me and I won’t be mad. I just need to know. Because if you are not scared, then you are just lazy and that I can’t handle.” He says it is neither.
I want to have kids, but I feel I should not be the one to always have to drive them to and from appointments and school, or the one to have to take off work. It should be a joint effort.
I told him that as my husband, I really need him to step up and do this one thing for me – for us. We cannot in this day and age be in a household without someone who is able to drive. He got mad and left the room, again, as he always does when I broach this subject.
Yes, I screwed up and that is my fault, but I believe my husband should be a man and do this one thing for his wife and eventual children. Please advise!
– No Transportation in Wis.
Dear No Transportation: I don’t define “being a man” as holding a driver’s license. I do, however, define being a man as someone who keeps his promises.
You are also someone who has trouble keeping her word.
When you lay down a “non-negotiable,” then let him walk all over it, you are proving to him that your point of view is fairly spongy.
You have also demonstrated that the fear of wasting money and letting down your families is an appropriate reason to get married, and it is not.
I won’t tell you to leave this guy, but I will tell you not to have a baby with him. If you have children and continue to live in a rural area without access to public transportation, you will be chauffeuring the whole family for the rest of your life.
You should enlist the help of a third party to negotiate a solution.
…
Dear Amy: When you receive an invitation to a wedding, bar mitzvah or other occasion from an acquaintance and do not plan on attending, are you required to send a gift? This question has started quite a discussion among a group of us at work.
My belief is that you are not obligated to send a gift – monetary or otherwise – if you cannot or do not wish to attend.
I would certainly send a card and best wishes for the occasion, and if I were close to the person I would send a gift.
– Want to Do Right
Dear Want to Do Right: Your generous friends are unwittingly contributing to a growing culture that I can only describe as “gift-grabbing.” I’m with you on this. If you are invited to an event, an R.S.V.P. is necessary. A card is thoughtful.
You should send a gift if you are particularly close to the honored person.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
