Q: A friend started working with me about seven months ago. Soon after her arrival, she started dating my boss. He’s a nice guy, but he’s also married and has two older daughters – one of whom is actually older than me (24) and my friend (21).
My friend also has a 2-year-old daughter, whom she often yells at when she wants to be alone with my boss. Everyone at work knows about the affair. Her mother, who also worked with us, quit her job because the situation was making her sick to her stomach.
The owner can’t fire him, because he owns 25 percent of the place. I tried to talk to her about leaving him, but she’s in love. I just want her to see that it’s wrong to be dating a married man who is also your employer. It might have been different if he wasn’t married. What should I tell her?
Lily: TELL her? Sounds like everything that could be said has been. She is an adult who needs to make – and learn from – her own mistakes. It’s like watching a car wreck in slow motion, but you have to let her find this out on her own.
All you can do is be there for her when she has to pick up the pieces. It’s best if you tell her how you feel, ask her to weigh the pros and cons of what she is doing, and then walk away. And remind her: What she has with her boss isn’t love. It’s just blinding lust.
Danny: I applaud the mother for taking a stance against her daughter and this horrendous situation. Take your cue from her.
You say this man is a nice guy. He is not. He is an adulterous, pompous coward. You claim the co-worker as your friend, but do you really want to bestow that honor on her?
If you really want to know what to tell her then here it is:
“You’re a loser. You are just as guilty as the boss of adultery, and I can’t believe you would disrespect yourself and your child in such a manner. If and when you ever mature, I hope you still have friends, but don’t consider me one of them. Best of luck to you, and don’t call me.”
Catherine: Whoa, Danny! Revoking friendship rights will not help this young lady make good decisions. She is obviously so hungry for affection that she will accept it from the most inappropriate sources.
Be loving and honest. Let her know that she is only harming her family and his. She is teaching her young daughter to give in to momentary pleasure, and ensuring that the little girl will later repeat the pattern because of her own unfulfilled need for love and affection.
Affairs are only short-term paths of pleasure that lead to sure pain and destruction. Lily is right that your friend will have to make her own mistakes. Advise her to run as far from this situation as possible. What she does with your advice is ultimately up to her.
Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail your questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send your letters to Consejos, care of Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202.
