Dear Amy: I have a 12-year-old stepdaughter. This girl is shiftless. She resents me. She does sneaky, “bad” things to me when her father isn’t around. She won’t eat what I cook and will toss the entire plate into the garbage.
I have told my husband about her behavior, but he does nothing about it. Now when I fix dinner, I make the girl fix her own plate.
My husband thinks she is too young to do these things herself, but I don’t.
We disagree on just about everything that has to do with her, so I have removed myself from any disciplining.
Now that she knows that I can’t discipline her, her behavior is much worse.
I know that you can’t give up on parenting, but what are you supposed to do when this child isn’t even yours?
– Angry in Wisconsin
Dear Angry: My heart goes out to your stepdaughter.
Your family needs an emergency turnaround, or else you’re going to have an even more serious problem. If you think that a 12-year-old girl can be a handful, then wait until you have a 16-year-old girl who is “shiftless, sneaky and bad” on your hands.
You may be confusing “discipline” with “punishment.” Discipline is a good thing. Discipline is what keeps the family running on a predictable routine, with housework, homework, eating and sleep in healthy amounts. Children who lead disciplined lives are secure. They know that they can count on the adults in their lives to act in fairly predictable ways.
Punishment is another thing altogether, and her father should be in charge of administering consequences for her behavior. You and your husband should be offering this adolescent a united front so that she knows where she stands. If you involve her with the shopping and cooking, she might not toss her plate of food into the garbage. If she is asked to talk about her feelings – and feels that someone is listening – her behavior should improve.
For insight into girls your stepdaughter’s age, read “Trust Me, Mom – Everyone Else Is Going!: The New Rules for Mothering Adolescent Girls,” by Roni Cohen-Sandler (2003, Penguin).
…
Dear Amy: When we had been married only a short time, my wife pointed out that I had not done my share of the cooking, etc.
I gave the subject careful thought and then explained that I agreed with her. I told her that the roof was half-shingled and that the remaining half would be hers to do. I said that I had been changing the oil in the cars and that I’d be happy to share that job too.
Almost 40 years later, I hope I shingled my last roof this summer. And I’m still changing the oil in the cars.
– Gareth Rees
Dear Gareth: When I urged women readers to consider the chores that men may be doing around and outside of the home, many responded that while shingling and oil changing are valuable jobs, they are seasonal and occasional, while cooking and cleaning are every day and unrelenting.
Though you might have shingled your last roof, I assume your wife has not cooked her last meal.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
