Dear Amy: I seem to be on an emotional roller coaster.
My wife and I have been married for almost 13 years.
She has not worked (by mutual agreement) for three years.
Over the last few months, she has gotten to where she plays games on the Internet for five to six hours a day.
More bothersome to me is that there are several men whom she chats with and even makes plans to meet (online) to play.
Heck, there are times when she is playing a game with one and instant-messaging with one or two others at the same time.
I have told her how it makes me feel. She has told me over and over that they all know that she is happily married.
Some of them call her “Honey,” “Sweetie” and “Babe.” I do shift work and have days off in the middle of the week, when our daughter is at school. I have told her that on those days I would like to do things together, but unless I firmly make her go with me, she is on the computer chatting with her buddies.
I have been unhappy at work and know that it does not help to come home grumpy. There have not been any odd phone calls or any weird “trips to the store.” Is it too much to ask that, at least when I am at home, she refrain from this behavior?
– Playing Second Fiddle
Dear Second Fiddle: You seem to think that this is about your wife’s connection with other men, but I think this is about your wife having way too much time on her hands. If she is spending several hours a day gaming online, then that’s several hours a day that she is not contributing to her own – or your family’s – healthy development.
Your wife may have an Internet gaming “habit” that sounds like an addiction to me. If she is doing this one activity to the detriment of other activities (damaging her relationships in the process), and if she becomes irritable when she can’t do it, then she needs to re-examine her behavior and try to change it.
If your wife doesn’t seem to be contributing to the household through her presence in it, then she should be working. If you are unhappy in your job, she should be willing to go to work to permit you the freedom and flexibility to perhaps change jobs.
The Center for Internet Addiction and Recovery lists some of the danger signs of online gaming addiction on its Web site at netaddiction.com and your wife seems to exhibit several of them. She may need professional help to deal with this.
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Dear Amy: It has been a week since my boss spoke very harshly to me, and I am still very angry with him. He has always spoken very nicely to me except for this one time – and he seemed to explode at me.
It turned out to be a big misunderstanding, but I can’t seem to get rid of those angry thoughts. He upset me so much that I called in sick the next day. What should I do to get rid of my anger?
– Carrie
Dear Carrie: One way to get rid of your anger is to let your boss help you to defuse it. It seems that you need (and deserve) an apology.
To help you understand where your boss might have been coming from, give him the opportunity to clarify his remarks. Ask to meet with him and tell him that you want to make sure that your job performance is acceptable. It’s OK to say, “I’m still bothered by what you said last week,” and give him the chance to explain himself.
It’s not acceptable business practice to explode at employees over nothing. But if your boss says, “Oh, you know – I was having a terrible day, and I’m sorry,” then you should accept his explanation. An apology will help you to get over your anger.
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