Dear Amy: I have never written to a columnist before, but the letter from “Hurt in Md.” prompted my response.
“Hurt” was concerned about her husband’s being in touch with former girlfriends.
My boyfriend’s wife could have written that letter.
Three years ago I contacted an ex-boyfriend. We are both married and live 700 miles apart. I had lost contact with him 30 years ago but came across his bio in a college newsletter.
It was simply an innocent gesture to connect with an old “friend.” Long story short, we are still communicating and have been having a torrid love affair for 2 1/2 of those three years.
I had been happily married for 29 years when this started.
It was NEVER my intention to have an affair. However, after communicating via e-mail and then by phone, the curiosity and emotions grew until we finally met.
You can guess what happened next. The temptation was too great.
I honestly love my husband, but I love my “ex” too.
In my opinion, men and women who formerly had a relationship and are again “speaking” privately cannot be “just friends.” “Hurt” should be hurt, suspicious and flat-out demand an end to this relationship.
And you, Miss Amy, should pull your head out of the sand and quit being so liberal and
naive!
– The Husband’s “Friend”
Dear “Friend”: OK. Let’s make a deal.
I’ll quit being so liberal and naive if you’ll quit cheating on your husband and justifying it by saying that you just have no control over your actions.
Deal? I didn’t think so.
I’ve heard from many people on both sides of this issue; I continue to maintain that exes are only trouble to a relationship if the people involved are like you or your ex (now current) “boyfriend.” Fortunately, many people are not like you, and their families can trust them to behave with integrity – regardless of their various temptations.
As I have said in this space before, people need to trust their “gut” on these matters; if a spouse develops a relationship that he or she is not willing to share with the whole family, it’s a sign of trouble.
…
Dear Amy: My two friends and I have been best friends for about three years. We do almost everything together.
Lately, my friend “Sam” has been hanging out with this kid, “Kurt.” My other friend “Greg” and I have met him and are not so crazy about him.
We have seen him shoplift, drink and light fires. Greg and I have talked to Sam and told him how we feel about Kurt.
However, he disagrees and says that Kurt is just “unique.” Now he’s been including Kurt in our get-togethers.
Greg and I have been making excuses trying to get out of hanging out with Kurt. We miss Sam, so I decided to call him. I said, “Hey, do you want to go to the fair with me and Greg?” Sam said, “Sure. Oh, and Kurt learned how to light his hand on fire without getting a burn.” I just don’t want to do this.
Am I being jealous or should I respect my best friend’s decision and include this guy in our group? What should I say to Sam? I don’t want to lose this friend, and I don’t want to lose my cool.
– Troubled With Friends
Dear Troubled: “Kurt” sounds like a troubled kid. He also sounds dangerous. Hanging around with him is definitely risky business.
The teen years can be a minefield for friendships, and the best way to navigate without getting burned is to be true to yourself every step of the way.
You and Greg should make sure that Sam knows that you still want to hang with him, but say, “We’re just not cool at all with Kurt.” You and Greg could be a good influence on Kurt, but you need to know that it isn’t your job to “fix” him.
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