The procedure of transforming a quasi-celebrity into a pop singer is more akin to the bureaucratic method than the creative process.
It’s process that, if followed correctly, ensures a certain amount of success – 500,000 copies, at least. Here’s how it works, step by step:
1. Lots of exposure and face time on the “Extras” and the glossy magazine pages.
2. Sex appeal and scandal/controversy.
3. A big-name producer and a platinum card.
4. A-list collaborators.
5. Image reinvention and massive publicity push.
The process isn’t so much a transformation anymore as it is a given. Anyone can go FM. That is why there is very little surprise surrounding today’s release of Brooke Hogan’s “Undiscovered.”
Hogan, now known as Brooke, has followed the steps and peripheral choreography with the perfection of a “Dancing with the Stars” champion. It all started with the bizarre “Hogan Knows Best” reality TV show that debuted in 2005 and followed her family, which is ruled with the iron fist of former wrestling star (and Brooke’s overprotective dad) Hulk Hogan.
To put Brooke’s music into perspective of her contemporaries, it’s reaching harder for Mariah Carey and Beyonce than it is Lindsay Lohan and Kelly Clarkson. It’s a sound that makes sense, given the past leanings of her producer, Scott Storch.
The first single from the project was released this summer, and “About Us,” a dancefloor ringer featuring Storch’s trademark hip-hop-lite production and Paul Wall’s sleepy-tight rhymes, put Brooke on the map.
The song brilliantly played off the success of Carey’s “The Emancipation of Mimi,” which was one of the more redundant and simplistic records of the past decade. Just as “Mimi” was a thoughtless amalgam of the most prominent chart-toppers from the previous year, “About Us” is little more than a smart replication of “Mimi,” Beyonce’s new “B’day” and countless other hits from this year’s hip-hop radio.
It’s listenable, and it’s the ideal lead single for a CD such as this, given the target audience. But the rest of the record is a different story. Most of it is borderline atrocious – possibly even sub-Lohan in quality.
Lohan’s music is offensive even to the teenage audience it’s being hurled at. Lohan has no business making music, as no ProTools rig can apparently make up for her stunning lack of talent behind the mic.
After you get past “About Us,” that’s what Brooke’s “Undiscovered” feels like. The songs are bafflingly off, coming off like first-drafts during the first few days of a collaboration. Her voice is given many freedoms by producer Storch, and it often kills a song instantly. And the songs – contemplating “My Space” (an obnoxious allusion to myspace.com), “My Number” and “Low Rider Jeans” – lack a true dance-floor hook or meat to grab onto.
How did this get released, again? If you’ll refer to the formula above: exposure, sex appeal/controversy, hot producer, cash flow, collaborators and image reinvention. It’ll be fascinating to see how it performs.
A lot of the responsibility comes down to Storch, who is one of the hottest urban producers in the game alongside Timbaland and The Neptunes. He thought he could make Brooke a pop star, but it’s impossible to take her seriously with this record, because it seems far from a finished product ready for public release.
Pop music critic Ricardo Baca can be reached at 303-954-1394 or rbaca@denverpost.com.
