Q: I feel like crying, but I don’t want to cry because I’ve cried enough. My issue is with my mother. We live in the same house, but I haven’t talked to her for a month because she is mad at me.
It started because of a radio station I was listening to when she came into my room. The radio host was helping callers with their family problems, and my mom started listening. She said the radio was no place to turn to for help and, besides, what kind of help did I need?
“You care more for your friends,” she said. “And now you are saying you want to go to college, but later on you will quit, get married and have kids. Just because you are old enough, you think you can make decisions.”
I am in college now and need her support more than ever, but she’s not there for me. What can I do? Please help.
Lily: Dios mio! Give your mom a big hug right now. Both of you need it. Speaking for parents everywhere, I can tell you that we sometimes say things to our kids that sound awful, but we always have your best interest at heart.
Your mom, for example, sounds as if she’s using tough love/reverse psychology on you. She wants you to succeed and see you graduate from college but fears that you won’t. By stating that fear aloud, she’s forcing you to refute it.
She figures that she’ll make you so mad that you’ll want to prove her wrong and, in the process, finish college. Would it be easier to just love and support you in a more traditional manner? Absolutely. But what parent ever takes the easy way?
Danny: I urge you to contact the counseling center at your college or a campus ministry department. It is crucial you go and talk to someone.
Trained professionals can help you deal with emotions and your situation. They will also help develop a plan to reach out to your mother. As another step toward future interaction, you can write your mother a letter that expresses your love, your needs and your emotions. Stay strong, seek counseling and then fix the relationship with your mom.
Catherine: Thank you, Danny, for suggesting the campus counseling/health center.
Most colleges and universities offer professional counseling for free. It would be immensely helpful to talk to someone outside of your family about your life issues and about restoring peace with your mother. I’m sure you will work through the anger, hurt and forgiveness.
From your mother’s comments, it sounds as if she is working through her own issues and is misdirecting anger and aggression at you. Remind yourself that at the bottom of her hurtful comments there is love for you.
Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail your questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send your letters to Consejos, care of Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202.
